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Random Thoughts on a Saturday

January 11, 2014

I’m sitting on the couch typing this up while the girls are playing in their “fort” which is basically a fleece blanket tucked over the piano keys and draped across the coffee table.

It’s highly sophisticated. Lol

A Little People Christmas cd is playing and I’m enjoying the glow of the Christmas tree.

Yes it’s still up.

Yes it’s real.

No I’m not worried about it being a fire hazard.

I have no idea when we are taking it down.

Yes there will be a ton of needles to vacuum up.

That covers all the questions, right? :)

It’s warmer outside and my street is covered in a thick blanket of fog.

Breakfast has been eaten and coffee has been brewed.

We’re tossing around the idea of going to the zoo today, but part of me can’t imagine the idea of leaving the cozy house to walk around outside for any length of time.

I think the girls would do well with a big dose of fresh air, and I want to take advantage of our zoo membership at least once this winter, but man I’m not feelin’ it right now.

It will ultimately come down to what Andy feels like doing. When he puts in a strong vote it always inspires me to rally the troops :)

Yesterday was a super relaxed day for me and the girls. Andy was back to school for one of the first full days in a really long time, so we were back to business as usual. But instead of writing up a big to-do list for myself, I kind of just rested and chilled with the girls all day.

I did one load of laundry and made dinner but otherwise was pretty unproductive.

Normally that makes me get all twitchy and I start thinking about how I’m wasting time or falling “behind” in some race I’ve conjured up for myself, but yesterday I was ok with it.

I had a hot chocolate date with my friend Donna on Wednesday evening and we talked about the crazy whirlwind of things overwhelming my mind. The things frustrating me and challenging me and inspiring me and just plain consuming me.

She listened and offered up some good perspective. She’d just written a blog post about not wearing ourselves ragged to please God.

About not making some long, grandiose list of resolutions for 2014, but to remember Jesus’ comforting words…

My yoke is easy. My burden is light.

Matthew 11:30

When asked about the greatest commandment, Jesus replied…

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and Prophets hang on these two commandments.

Matthew 22:37-40

So when I get lost in a vortex of thoughts or beat myself up about not doing enough or not doing it right, I’m losing sight of these wonderful truths.

Following Jesus isn’t supposed to be a cruel and harsh burden. There are really only two things to be concerned about.

The rest will fall into place.

Makes me sigh with relief :)

On the heals of meeting with Donna and coming home to read her blog post, I also spent some time with my friend Rochelle.

She’s always super fun and encouraging and I love how she approaches life so differently than I do. She loves God and loves her family but doesn’t get as worked up as I do about all the little details.

As I listened to her talk about different things and situations she was concerned about, I could tell she cared but it was SO REFRESHING how she didn’t get swept up in it. She had a sense of calm because she honestly believes God has it under control. That He loves all the people involved even more than she does and that’s enough.

I can’t even tell you how much that helped me see my own situations so differently!

I’m beyond grateful for the people in my life and for the God that I follow.

I’m also grateful for relaxing Fridays and cozy Saturdays at home without an agenda.

Ask me if I’m grateful for one million pine needles on the floor in a couple of weeks when we finally take our tree down and I may have another answer!

Day to Day

December 14, 2013

I saw a quote on Pinterest the other day and it said,

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”

-Annie Dillard

Boy did that get my attention!

You see, my days have been spent under a cloud of gloom.

I hate to even admit that because I know I have so much to be thankful for, but it’s the honest truth lately.

We’ve all been “ping-ponging” a mild sickness back and forth for a couple of weeks. It laid me flat a week ago and both girls have been battling a lesser version of it. For the time being, Andy has been spared, which I’m happy about, but also feeling guilty because he’s spending his break taking care of all of us.

I had this idea that he’d get out of school and every day would be awesome family hangout time. Fun mealtimes! Playing all together! Getting out and about together and just overall living it up!

Instead we’ve been cooped up in the house not feeling great. The girls are both in a difficult phase and we have been just surviving from wake time to nap time and nap time to bed time.

Not only is student Dr. Gould immensely smart, he’s also got wicked art skills. He busted out an old sharpie and whipped these pictures up like it was nothing.

We try to eek out special moments, like coloring advent sheets while listening to Christmas carols, but it kind of feels like we’re trying to force something to happen. The more I think about how these days off with Andy aren’t what I’d hoped for, the more discouraged I get.

Self portrait at the end of a day that kicked my butt.

I posted this picture on Instagram the other night after a particularly draining day. So many other moms I know left encouraging comments. Knowing that I’m not the only one struggling through this high calling of parenthood was very comforting. I just feel completely shell-shocked at the end of the day lately. This too shall pass…right?!

By some miracle, both girls napped at the same time the other day (Grace has given up naps for the most part. SO HELP ME GOD) and I sent myself to my room for a timeout with God. About 4 minutes into it Grace sat up in bed and cried out for me. I burst into tears right there in my bed, looking up to heaven and asking God why on earth I couldn’t even have 30 minutes to spend with HIM.

Normally I’d use overlapping nap time to clean, blog, or watch a show. Something that would make me feel better instantly. But I know these doldrums cannot be quick-fixed by my usual methods, so I tried to make the wise choice to spend time quietly with God.

He must have known I was mere inches from the cliff of insanity, because Grace laid back down for about 10 minutes which was just long enough for me to quiet my heart, reach out in tearful prayer, read a powerful Psalm and do my best to rest in God’s presence.

It didn’t make everything better and there wasn’t some kind of supernatural change in my attitude, but as I gazed out the window, through sheer white curtains, at the blue sky and dancing tree branches, I felt peace.

Real, honest peace.

I breathed deeply and did my best to just rest in the moment. To take the gift I felt God was giving me even though my greedy heart wanted MORE.

MORE PEACE. BIGGER RELIEF. DRAMATIC MENTAL SHIFT.

But I do believe He was there in the quiet stillness. In the simple view through my veiled window.

It gave my heart a morsel of rest and comfort and that may have been all I really needed.

Sometimes there are just dry seasons. Times when although He is closer than our breath, He feels so far away.

I’m not exactly sure how to handle these times other than to continue to trust. To offer my pitiful worship. To be thankful. To have hope in what is to come.

Sometimes you just have to write…

August 15, 2013

I’ve been itching to write even though I don’t even know what I want to say.

Thoughts and emotions are swirling around inside me and I keep waiting for them to slow down and settle, but they aren’t.

At 33 years old, I feel like I know less than ever before.

At 19 I thought I had everything figured out. I had all the answers and I lost patience with the adults who just didn’t see the world the way I did.

Can you say naive?

But now, the more I read and the more I dig into my own heart for answers, the more I come up with questions.

Less sure than ever before about the right way to do things or the right perspective to have or the right approach to any and every situation.

My world has gone from very black and white to a hundred shades of gray.

For an extremist like me this can be unsettling, but I’m learning to lean into the questions. The uncertainty. The unknown.

As a person who calls herself a “Christian” or maybe, more accurately, a Christ-follower, I’ve grown less and less sure of what the Church at large preaches, and more and more sure of who it is that I follow.

I think the modern Christian Church has worked very hard to figure out what they are against and who they don’t agree with and what political party they align with, but they often miss the real message of the humble carpenter who came to change the world.

Love.

Hope.

Peace.

Joy.

He didn’t come with a formula for right living.

There IS NO formula for right living.

He loved people. He served them. He offered them hope. He accepted them. He embraced them.

Do we do that?

Or, are we so concerned with our own agendas and ideas and thoughts that we are missing opportunities to love and serve and offer hope and accept and embrace?

When the world around us is hurting, how do we respond?

When our friends have babies who are sick and we have mothers-in-law fighting cancer and there are bombings and human trafficking and everything seems grim and hopeless, what is our response?

Do we bury our heads in the sand? Do we offer trite expressions like “God never gives us more than we can handle”? Do we cling tighter to our routines and false sense of control over our lives?

I know that I often find myself in denial about what’s going on. It’s too painful and uncertain to think about, so I just don’t.

I try harder to do everything “right”. I deceive myself by thinking that if I do things just so, I can insulate myself and my family from tragedy.

I also refuse to worry about the “what ifs”, thinking that what we fear most will come upon us.

None of that is helpful.

It’s selfish and it’s ignorant.

It is not within my power to prevent anything from happening. I can’t “trick the system” by not worrying about things as a way to stop them from coming to me.

We live in a fallen world where bad things happen.

But that doesn’t mean our God isn’t good.

Though my faith may shake, I’m choosing to trust.

I’m choosing to believe that even though I don’t always understand Him, He Is Good.

My courageous friend Diana’s Instagram profile says, “Though He slay me, I will hope in Him.”

I cannot read that sentence aloud without choking up.

It’s so brutal, yet beautiful.

Brutiful…

as Glennon would say.

So the answer is…

I don’t know. But I’ll hug you and love on you the best that I can.

I will do my darndest not to offer advice or try to fix you or the situation.