Day to Day

I saw a quote on Pinterest the other day and it said,

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”

-Annie Dillard

Boy did that get my attention!

You see, my days have been spent under a cloud of gloom.

I hate to even admit that because I know I have so much to be thankful for, but it’s the honest truth lately.

We’ve all been “ping-ponging” a mild sickness back and forth for a couple of weeks.  It laid me flat a week ago and both girls have been battling a lesser version of it.  For the time being, Andy has been spared, which I’m happy about, but also feeling guilty because he’s spending his break taking care of all of us.

I had this idea that he’d get out of school and every day would be awesome family hangout time.  Fun mealtimes!  Playing all together!  Getting out and about together and just overall living it up!

Instead we’ve been cooped up in the house not feeling great.  The girls are both in a difficult phase and we have been just surviving from wake time to nap time and nap time to bed time.

We try to eek out special moments, like coloring advent sheets while listening to Christmas carols, but it kind of feels like we’re trying to force something to happen.  The more I think about how these days off with Andy aren’t what I’d hoped for, the more discouraged I get.

I posted this picture on Instagram the other night after a particularly draining day.  So many other moms I know left encouraging comments.  Knowing that I’m not the only one struggling through this high calling of parenthood was very comforting.  I just feel completely shell-shocked at the end of the day lately.  This too shall pass…right?!

By some miracle, both girls napped at the same time the other day (Grace has given up naps for the most part. SO HELP ME GOD) and I sent myself to my room for a timeout with God.  About 4 minutes into it Grace sat up in bed and cried out for me.  I burst into tears right there in my bed, looking up to heaven and asking God why on earth I couldn’t even have 30 minutes to spend with HIM.

Normally I’d use overlapping nap time to clean, blog, or watch a show.  Something that would make me feel better instantly.  But I know these doldrums cannot be quick-fixed by my usual methods, so I tried to make the wise choice to spend time quietly with God.

He must have known I was mere inches from the cliff of insanity, because Grace laid back down for about 10 minutes which was just long enough for me to quiet my heart, reach out in tearful prayer, read a powerful Psalm and do my best to rest in God’s presence.

It didn’t make everything better and there wasn’t some kind of supernatural change in my attitude, but as I gazed out the window, through sheer white curtains, at the blue sky and dancing tree branches, I felt peace.

Real, honest peace.

I breathed deeply and did my best to just rest in the moment.  To take the gift I felt God was giving me even though my greedy heart wanted MORE.

MORE PEACE.  BIGGER RELIEF.  DRAMATIC MENTAL SHIFT.

But I do believe He was there in the quiet stillness.  In the simple view through my veiled window.

It gave my heart a morsel of rest and comfort and that may have been all I really needed.

Sometimes there are just dry seasons.  Times when although He is closer than our breath, He feels so far away.

I’m not exactly sure how to handle these times other than to continue to trust.  To offer my pitiful worship.  To be thankful.  To have hope in what is to come.