I’ve got a delicious recipe to share (tomorrow), but I’d be remiss if I didn’t blog about my incredibly challenging past few days.
I thought I’d been pushed to my limits in parenting before, but this last stretch was so much more intense.
SO MUCH MORE.
For starters, Avery is not sleeping well at night. Late last week, she started crying around 1am and would not settle, so I went in to comfort her and she just wanted to be held. It was super sweet, so I chalked it up to a precious moment of snuggles and a worthy parenting sleep sacrifice. My plan was to snuggle her to calm her down and then put her back in the crib to sleep. As soon as I put her in and started to walk away, she started sobbing.
So, I sat beside the crib and she calmed down.
I sang her some lullabies and kept her company to make her feel safe.
But then I got tired.
So I waited till she dozed off and I started to sneak out of her room.
She immediately woke up and started sobbing again.
So I sat in her rocking chair and dozed there for a long stretch.
Tried to sneak out again and she woke up and sobbed again.
So I grabbed a pillow and blanket from the couch to sleep on her floor for a while (this mama’s gotta get some sleep!).
It was super uncomfortable, particularly at 30 weeks pregnant, so I woke up and attempted to sneak out again.
She heard me and the cycle continued.
So basically I hardly slept all night except for a few brief stretches in the rocker and on the floor.
You can imagine how hard it was to get up for the day and tackle everything with so little sleep.
On top of the sleep drama, Grace is going through something.
Probably average four year old girl stuff, but it feels so much more major.
Everything is a battle, everything is a crisis, everything is a cry-worthy issue, everything is a power struggle.
It’s wearing me out.
And of course this is all right on the heels of having an incredible couple of weeks implementing the biblical strategies in Loving Your Kids On Purpose.
The past few weeks, I’ve been rocking and rolling day in and day out. Patting myself on the back for how patient and kind I’ve been in each and every situation. So proud of the growth I’ve experienced from my former fear & punishment cycle of handling bad behavior.
I don’t know how my giant head even got through the door!
It’s so funny how this always happens to me. Just when I think I’ve got this whole parenting thing figured out, everything falls apart.
Ok, maybe funny is the wrong word….traumatic may be more like it.
I don’t like traumatic.
The Jesus Calling devotional is my ::ahem:: bathroom reading material. I keep it on the back of the toilet and find that to be a great place to have some uninterrupted devotional time! Lol
Anyway, a few lines from an entry last week have been rocking my world ever since:
Trust me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them.
When you project yourself into the future, rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking to be self-sufficient: to be adequate without My help. This is a subtle sin – so common that it usually slips by unnoticed.
Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in My abundant supply.
Train your mind to seek My help continually, even when you feel competent to handle something by yourself. Don’t divide your life into things you can do by yourself and things that require My help.
Instead, learn to rely on me in every situation.
That’s just a paraphrase of the October 10th entry, but it really really resonated with me.
The problem isn’t that I was trying to implement some awesome parenting principles. The problem was that I approached it like I approach so many things.
Just like a toddler…
I CAN DO IT MYSELF.
“I got this, Lord.”
“You can go help other people who really need it because I’m pretty fantastic and won’t be needing your help parenting now that I’ve read this great book.”
Talk about being off base.
WAAYYYY off base.
But He always does what it takes to draw us back to Him. Like a mother hen, He gathers us under His wings. (Matt 23:37)
I love that He never forces us to turn to Him. He always asks, “Are you willing?”
By the time yesterday morning rolled around and Avery had been fitfully tossing and turning in my bed since 1am and I had a FULL day of church and preschool ahead of me, I was willing.
I literally went into the bathroom and looked my messy-hair-plaid-flannel-nightshirt-puffy-morning-face in the mirror and said aloud, “Lord I do not have ANYTHING for today. I’m totally empty and I cannot do any of this on my own. I need you.”
Then, instead of rehearsing how I’d face each part of my day, I relinquished it all to Him. I took my faltering, mustard-seed faith and I just put one foot in front of the other, trusting that He’d take care of me.
And you know what?
He’s always faithful.
His mercies are new every morning.