Listen…do you hear that?
Of course you don’t!
There has been radio silence here all week long.
You guys!
I’m stuck.
Stuck in the feelings I wrote about last time.
Stuck under a cloud of exhaustion.
I feel totally uninspired to cook. To write. To take pictures.
Which pretty much leaves zero material for ye olde blog.
The weather here in Michigan has been dreary at best. Yesterday the sun was shining strong at noon, but disappeared almost as quickly as it came.
Chores around the house keep piling up and I keep trying to whittle them down.
I mostly want to lay around.
There’s good reason for that though.
One that I said I wasn’t going to broadcast this early on because that’s just “not what you do”.
Or if you do, it looks like attention whoring or naiveté.
But I think I need to just get it out there…
Another Gould is on the horizon.
The December 24th horizon, according to Dr. Google.
ANOTHER December baby.
The Lord has a crazy sense of humor.
Any December babies out there, feel free to tell me how great it is to have a December birthday. PLEASE.
Avery managed to come exactly on her due date, New Years Eve.
I was super relieved that she avoided Christmas.
This little one has much narrower odds.
I know it will all work out, but I’m fretting about it nevertheless.
I’m grateful for this baby, but I’m also painfully aware that nothing is a guarantee.
I’ve had dear friends suffer terrible losses, and it makes me feel a little nervous and also guilty.
Guilty that I’m whining about how tired I am and how oppressive this exhaustion is. Guilty that I’m complaining about another December due date.
I should only be thankful.
I don’t deserve fertility or an uneventful pregnancy any more than any other woman.
So why do I have it and they don’t?
I just can’t reconcile it.
So I feel uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable “announcing” the news. Uncomfortable with the fact that I’m so overwhelmed. Uncomfortable whenever I have a feeling other than pure bliss over my current state.
To my mama friends who’ve had losses or infertility, I’m so sorry.
My heart breaks for you.
I pray often that God blesses you abundantly. That He gives you the desires of your heart. That you get everything you want and that I think you deserve.
I don’t even know whether to publish this post. My feelings are so mixed.
Hiding out doesn’t seem like a good option. I cannot seem to come up with any other thing to say, so being honest just sort of feels like my only choice.
I’ve spent so much of my life being dishonest that it always feels awkward to be brutally honest. To pull back the curtain and let the raw mess show.
OK so I am super super late.. Just checking my emails and seen this post and decided to read and totally feel I missed out on the BIG announcement. All I could think the whole time I was reading your post is “uh that over thinking gets her every time” I am so excited for you and I think we just need to be real and thank God for our blessings even the ones that are not fertile have things to be thankful for. And I have to say if anyone knows GOD is ALWAYS and FOREVER in control it would be me. The best thing about that is that he is madly in love with us and wants the best for us. He has a plan that is “Better” then our heads can wrap around. Fertile or not fertile God will provide a way to feel the craving.. Just look at our Foster story. God is GOOD and blessing you with another little bundle is nothing short or a beautiful blessing and miracle and you should treat it just as that!! I am so super excited for you!!! XOXOXO
Congratulations! I hope you and the baby are the healthiest and happiest ever. You should be allowed to feel whatever you’re feeling, no matter what that might be! I think you’re brave for sharing your feelings online at all. Sometimes the Internet can be a scary, mean place.
Congratulations!! I’m really happy for you & your family. I understand your feelings & appreciate your vulnerability in sharing your emotions. After witnessing friends’ losses over the last few years, my perspective has changed. I used to be really naive about pregnancy. Be gentle with yourself as you ballance your awareness of those around you who have experienced loss while celebrating your joy as well as managing your hormones & the exhaustion and any other early pregnancy symptoms. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers.
Thank you so much for the kind comments :)
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! Wow. I want to know your secret because I cannot imagine having a second child, don’t even think about a third! Seriously, you’re pretty great and it would only be kind to share your secret on your blog… :) Beautifully written post! Thank you for sharing!
haha! thank you! i don’t have a secret other than i might be crazy! lol
can’t wait to see you soon!
Your post and all the sweet responses have me teary-eyed right now… I love social media for this reason! It is our true authentic heart cries and responses that matter… God is pleased, I just know it!!!
I love you so much sweetie and I am overjoyed to have another grandchild to love…
Mom
aw thanks mom :)
I’m so excited I added extra i’s to my name! Yay!!!! Also, I was positive I was going to deliver Piper on Christmas. Was 3-4cm that week…and ended up being induced on Jan 17 (she was due the 12). Not suggesting you wait that long, just saying I get that stress! But babyyyyyy!
thank you!!! i may need some moral support…i’m wondering if i’m crazy for signing up for 3 kids under 5! lol it would be AWESOME to deliver this baby early and avoid christmas all together, but we shall see :)
I had a feeling this was on the horizon for you. Congratulations!
Don’t feel guilty about your blessings. I’m sure all those suffering through loss and infertility want to wish you the best but obviously it’s difficult for them to do aloud.
Here’s to a happy and healthy pregnancy! I’m making my prediction early…another girl! :)
thank you! and i have a weird feeling it’s a girl too…although i’d really love to experience having a son and i don’t know if i can see myself doing all this over again! lol
Allow yourself to feel what you feel, and let God hold you in that. You have a sweet, tender heart, and you have been given a gift of compassion. That same gift will allow you to reach the hearts of hurting women and give them the hope and peace of Jesus in the midst of their circumstances. Those of us who have suffered miscarriages, or those dealing with infertility, are comforted by your openness and vulnerability…but this is a glorious blessing from the Father, and I pray that you can rest in that knowledge.
God is good…all the time…and I love seeing His heart in you!!
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Miki thank you so much for this encouraging comment! You have no idea the trepidation I felt before publishing it…worrying about all of my dear friends who have suffered. I know God is holding them too, but I want them to know I care so much about their hearts. I appreciate you and your willingness to take the time to leave these sweet words :)
Congratulations on your news. Everything will fall into place. It’s just normal to feel overwhelmed at this stage.
You asked about December birthdays. I have loved my St Nicholas birthday ALWAYS – December 6. I celebrate the entire month! It’s a great excuse to have a new Christmas outfit or dinner outing. On another note, if December is too much – what about a half birthday in June? Lots of kids celebrate those days too! Enjoy your pregnancy and don’t over-analyze – god doesn’t give us what we can’t handle, he trusts you will be a great mommy to three.
Thank you Maureen! I really appreciate the encouragement about the December birthday too :) I think the kids will all see it through whatever lens I do, so I’m gonna roll with it and make the best even if it ends up being Christmas day!
Such sweet vulnerability. Please allow yourself to let the guilt go. As a mother who has suffered micarriage and secondary infertility I am honored by your thought and prayers but your joy does not add to my loss. Your ability to add to your family takes nothing away from me or any other woman who can’t do so as easily. I wish you a healthy and in eventful pregnancy filled with JOY!
Jordon, you have no idea how much your words mean to me. Thank you for taking the time to leave this comment…I so appreciate your heart and your encouragement :)
Also, thank you for making Facebook worthwhile for me! I love your posts :)
Congratulations! What a blessing! We struggled for over three years to get pregnant with our second child (24 weeks along now!), but even I don’t have constant feelings of bliss over it. You’re just human; give yourself a break. :)
Thank you Amanda! :)