Listen…do you hear that?
Of course you don’t!
There has been radio silence here all week long.
Stuck in the feelings I wrote about last time.
Stuck under a cloud of exhaustion.
I feel totally uninspired to cook. To write. To take pictures.
Which pretty much leaves zero material for ye olde blog.
The weather here in Michigan has been dreary at best. Yesterday the sun was shining strong at noon, but disappeared almost as quickly as it came.
Chores around the house keep piling up and I keep trying to whittle them down.
I mostly want to lay around.
There’s good reason for that though.
One that I said I wasn’t going to broadcast this early on because that’s just “not what you do”.
Or if you do, it looks like attention whoring or naiveté.
But I think I need to just get it out there…
Another Gould is on the horizon.
The December 24th horizon, according to Dr. Google.
ANOTHER December baby.
The Lord has a crazy sense of humor.
Any December babies out there, feel free to tell me how great it is to have a December birthday. PLEASE.
Avery managed to come exactly on her due date, New Years Eve.
I was super relieved that she avoided Christmas.
This little one has much narrower odds.
I know it will all work out, but I’m fretting about it nevertheless.
I’m grateful for this baby, but I’m also painfully aware that nothing is a guarantee.
I’ve had dear friends suffer terrible losses, and it makes me feel a little nervous and also guilty.
Guilty that I’m whining about how tired I am and how oppressive this exhaustion is. Guilty that I’m complaining about another December due date.
I should only be thankful.
I don’t deserve fertility or an uneventful pregnancy any more than any other woman.
So why do I have it and they don’t?
I just can’t reconcile it.
So I feel uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable “announcing” the news. Uncomfortable with the fact that I’m so overwhelmed. Uncomfortable whenever I have a feeling other than pure bliss over my current state.
To my mama friends who’ve had losses or infertility, I’m so sorry.
My heart breaks for you.
I pray often that God blesses you abundantly. That He gives you the desires of your heart. That you get everything you want and that I think you deserve.
I don’t even know whether to publish this post. My feelings are so mixed.
Hiding out doesn’t seem like a good option. I cannot seem to come up with any other thing to say, so being honest just sort of feels like my only choice.
I’ve spent so much of my life being dishonest that it always feels awkward to be brutally honest. To pull back the curtain and let the raw mess show.