When I wrote this post almost two years ago, I thought that was the end of it.
I was in pain, but I was angry.
I didn’t want to ever see him again and I decided he was dead to me.
My focus was on taking care of mom. On making sure she knew we loved and supported her.
I couldn’t see past the present. Things were over but I couldn’t really picture what the future would look like.
I knew he wouldn’t be in it but it still seemed surreal.
After a while my anger faded into the background and I didn’t really think about any of it very much. I saw mom getting stronger and I focused on my life. My little family.
He would make half-assed attempts to reach out to me, but I knew he didn’t want us back. If he really loved and valued us, he would want to repent and get right with God. He would want to change everything and come back to us.
But he didn’t.
He doesn’t love anyone except himself.
I think he’s too sick to even know how to love.
But he sure as hell knows how to pursue his selfish desires and ambitions.
They are more important than we are.
So many promises were broken. A covenant was broken.
And it doesn’t even matter to him.
We are all left wounded in the wake of his choices. Left to lick our wounds while he “moves on” to some “new life”.
A life that he thinks will be better than the one he had with us.
As a little girl all I really wanted was to be loved, treasured, and adored by him. The drive to please him was overwhelming. It colored everything I did.
But it was never enough.
As a grown woman I’m still affected by it. The way I view the world. The insatiable need for love and affirmation. The perception that I have to work to earn people’s love.
Fortunately my Heavenly Father is mending my heart. He’s revealing His love to me in new ways and I’m understanding it for the first time.
But I still ache.
The choice he made two weeks ago ripped the scab off my wound.
I feel rejected all over again.
Our family will never be together again.
It’s really over.
I just wanted to say I love you! I love your heart!
Hey girls, I just began reading this book this week. I heard the author speak on Focus on the Family, and was so moved by her story. Her speaking about her issues with her mother put into words, feelings that I had felt for most of my life, and no one EVER said them exactly like I feel them. Maybe you’d like to check out her book. I haven’t read the whole thing, but so far it’s been a real blessing. ;)
http://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Destructive-Relationship-Stopping-Surviving/dp/0736918973
I’m SO getting this book! Thanks for the recommendation, Donna!
I have the same relationship or lack thereof with my dad as well. He has his own demons and has chosen to put those above anyone else. It’s not easy to live with at times, especially at momentous life events. He’s never met my daughter and he’ll most likely not meet my son when he’s born in a few months. I have to remind myself I’m not holding them back but rather he’s holding himself back. I’m a parent now and I have to not only protect my well being, physically, mentally, and emotionally, but also protect my children.
I’ve been surprised at how much it helps to hear that I’m not alone. I don’t wish crappy dads on anyone, but knowing that other women out there have been hurt by the man who is supposed to love them unconditionally helps me feel less alone. I also gain strength from hearing that it’s OK to distance myself from him. Thanks for your comment :)
Yes, Yes, Jennifer!!!!
:(
:( This post is a sad one but I agree Donna said it oh so well. Although I know how the void can still be there no matter how much the truths of God are spoken. Keep your head up high and do not try to take revenge leave it to God or it will just continue to hurt you. Only God can heal a heart of this type of person. I will be praying for your earthly Father. God knows exactly what he needs and what YOU need.. Never forget that. :) XOXOX
Wise words, Rochelle! I love you :)
I couldn’t say a thing more or better than your friend Donna did. I love you so much Rebecca and my heart aches for your family. Go forward with the knowledge that God has allowed this to help you and strengthen you, but the key is “go forward.” I am praying for you all.
Thank you Aunt Becky! We need your prayers and I love you so much :)
O Rebecca, my eyes and my heart were crying as I read this. I took some time to lift you to the Father when I finished reading. I am a woman who was wounded repeatedly from childhood well into adulthood by my earthly father. While our circumstances are different, our hearts are joined. So many of us suffer those wounds from those who were supposed to love us. We throw ourselves into a lifetime of people pleasing, working for the love of others, and spending ourselves in doing whatever it takes to not ever suffer rejection ever again from anyone. Take comfort sweet sister, first of all in the TRUTH that you have a Heavenly Abba, a Daddy like none other, who loves you so so much. He loves you with an everlasting love. You will never, ever, one day in your sweet life, have to work for His love because He is full of grace toward you. You will never, ever, one day in your sweet life need to be perfect, because He is full of mercy toward you. And you ARE perfect in HIS eyes! Rest in His love and if it is “really over”, well praise God for that. He has a plan and a future full of hope for you that is not dependent on the past. The road ahead is bright. Also take great comfort in the fact that you are married to a wonderful, loving, man of God, who loves you and your sweet baby girls. Oh, if that’s not cause enough to rejoice, I don’t know what is! We may have had to go through what we went through and we cannot change that, but future generations will never have to know or experience that pain. Put your broken heart into the hands of your Father and let Him pour His sweet balm over it and restore you to wholeness. I don’t really know what happened to deem this “really over”, but we know that ALL things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. He has been weaving every single thing into the tapestry of your life and making something beautiful from it. Trust Him with your heart. He is faithful. Love to you, my sweet sister in Christ.
Donna, thank you SO MUCH for your wonderful words of wisdom and encouragement! Talk about balm to my aching heart. Your love for God and his word is such an encouragement and inspiration to me. I hate that so many women have been wounded by their dads, but seeing that they can become beautiful, whole, women of God like you gives me hope! Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to minister to me. It means more than you know :)