Inside My Head

I really appreciate all the encouragement and feedback I received on yesterday’s post :)

I’m still not sure how to move forward or even where I want to go, but I do know that I want to get back to sharing what’s on my heart and mind.

There will still be recipes, outfits and DIY posts, but I do not want to abandon the reason I started blogging almost 8 years ago.  To capture my life.  To share my thoughts and feelings.  To create a memoir of sorts for my family.

That being said, there’s just so much going on in my head that I don’t even know where to start.  This could get rambly.

You’ve been warned.

Summer is almost over and I have such mixed emotions about it.  In some ways I’m really ready to stop worrying about my gardens, my tan and being hot.  In other ways I’m sad that Grace and I didn’t swim more, go to the playground more, take more bike rides and have more picnics.  I want it to end right now and I don’t want it to end at all.

To top it off, Grace and I both have nasty colds right now.  This is actually the first time she’s been “sick” and I’m feeling so bad for her.  Her nose is runny and her voice is all but gone as of this morning.  She eeks out a few scratchy screeches but struggles with each word.  Fortunately she’s been eating pretty well and sleeping a lot, so I’m hoping it will pass soon and she’ll be back to 100%.

(Grace saying a few things in her scratchy voice two days ago.  Gilbert is a cat on one of her shows and Dr. Bender is our dentist that she has been talking about all the time since our appointment.)

I’ve been sick too and I’m not handling it near as well as she is.  My throat is sore, my sinuses are full and my head and shoulders feel like they weigh about 100 pounds.  I’ve been either on the couch or in bed for the past consecutive 24 hours.  How do mothers of multiple children handle getting sick?  It took everything in me (plus more TV than I’d like to admit) just to keep up with Grace today.  Thank goodness my second little bambino is still in utero and not needing my full attention yet.

Seriously mothers of many….how do you do it when you’re sick?

Having all this time to just lay around and think has given me even more time to beat myself up about not being productive.

I’m wired to accomplish things.  To achieve.  To perform.

It’s a mechanism I developed early in life to deal with my dysfunctional relationship with my father.  I didn’t get the affection and attention I craved, so I set about to earn it.

If I was the best daughter, student, sister, everything than there would be plenty of reason to pat me on the back.

So anyway, I’ve pushed myself to always be performing and achieving.  Much like my salesman tendencies mentioned in yesterday’s post, this is an attribute that has served me well professionally.

I joke with my sister that anyone who wants to hire an amazing employee should hire a woman with Daddy Issues.  They’ll work their ass off every single day.  Seems kinda sad to laugh about it, but it’s so true.

Now that I’m staying home full-time with Grace, I’ve found myself grading each day (or grading myself each day) based on how much I get done.  If I cook, clean, do yard work, take Grace out on a fun adventure and manage to squeeze in a DIY project, then I feel like I’ve earned my privilege to stay home.  I mean, “Look at all the things I do each day!  We couldn’t afford to have me at work when I’m so incredibly awesome at being a stay at home mom!”

While productivity is good, this mindset is not healthy.  At all.

My value is not determined by how much I can do.

My value is not determined by how much I can do.

My value is not determined by how much I can do.

It’s like a mantra I should be repeating to myself each day.  God loves me because I’m His child.  Andy loves me for who I am.  Grace loves me because I’m her mama.

Period.

I don’t have to create massive to-do lists and check them off each day in order to be valuable.

And that idea, my friends?  It scares me.

I don’t think I really know any other way to approach each day.

When I was working full-time, my need to achieve was met each day.  Often multiple times over because my job was so intense.  I may have felt like I was dropping the ball around the house at the end of the day, but I certainly felt accomplished.  I felt like I’d earned my keep and a really nice paycheck to boot.

Figuring out how to adjust now that I’m home is going to be a challenge.  I want to be present for my family.  I don’t want to always be striving to feel good enough.  I want to be overflowing with God’s love and peace so that I can pour those things out to my family.

I guess it’s a day at a time kind of battle.

Maybe I should make a to-do list ;)