Archives for November 2011

I have an unhealthy drive to keep everything even.

I start to feel super guilty if I perceive that I’m not holding up my end of the deal.

It’s kind of hard to verbalize, so I’ll give a few examples:

If Andy watches Grace in the afternoon while I’m at the office, I feel like I should do every single thing for her the rest of the evening.


If a friend reached out to me to get together last time, I feel like I should reach out this time.


If I spend money on something, I feel like Andy should get something too.


If Andy feeds Grace breakfast, I feel like I should feed her lunch.


If Andy cleans the bathroom, I feel like I should run downstairs to do a load of laundry.


If I talk about my day for a solid 20 minutes when I come home, I apologize for going on and on and insist that Andy tells me all about his day.


If a friend helps me out with something, I feel like I have to be vigilant for an opportunity to repay the favor…and soon!

It even goes beyond those examples.  It’s like my mind has a system of checks and balances that are continually evaluating everything I say and do.

I am virtually unable to accept something for nothing.  I feel extremely uncomfortable accepting help if I don’t see a very near-term opportunity to even up the score.

Fortunately, I don’t expect the same of others.  I don’t think I’ve ever thought that someone “owed” me.

I really enjoy helping people out and being generous and I honestly don’t expect anything in return.  In fact, I think it would make me really uncomfortable if they tried to “pay me back” right on the heels of my good deed.

As I sit here and type this I’m questioning whether I don’t want to be repaid because it gives me some kind of upper hand?

I just don’t think that’s it.

I guess I don’t feel worthy of other people’s generosity.  I’ve taken on the role of the responsible one who is capable and competent and doesn’t have to rely on anyone (or inconvenience anyone) for anything.

*As I sit here on the couch typing this post, Andy is cleaning up Grace’s toys in the living room and I just want to put the laptop down so I can finish the job and make him stop.  I mean he’s already tipped the scales today by feeding Grace breakfast while I worked, watching her all afternoon while I was at the office and then again when I went to the gym.  The scales are totally out of whack today.

I’ve run into other people who, like me, have trouble receiving.  When they try to refuse my help, I have a standard line I retort with: “You are robbing me of the opportunity to give by refusing to receive.”

Why don’t I take my own advice?

Why don’t I just chill out and allow myself to receive help from people who care about me?

Weighing everything that happens and trying my damnedest to keep things “Even Steven” is exhausting.  I don’t like being like this, but I’m not sure how to change…

I may have mentioned before that I’m a hoarder. 

Not the kind who will need to be airlifted out of my living room full of crap, but the covert kind.  The kind whose closets are overflowing with clutter and whose basement contains piles upon boxes upon closets of crap.

Crap that, “I may need someday,” or “That may come back in style”, or “That I’ll fit into again when I lose the weight,” or “That I can re-purpose into something new and cool,” or the most deadly of all:

“That I can sell at a garage sale.”

I’ve lived in my house for over 5 years and have never had a garage sale.  In fact, my garage itself starts playing the Sanford and Son theme song when you open it.

I don’t like all the junk.  The clutter makes me feel stressed out and edgy.

But I keep it anyway.

It’s really ridiculous to have all this useless junk laying around, but my previous “purging” experiences have only confirmed what I already fear.

“I’m going to throw something away and then end up needing it later.”

Just a couple of the things I’m still kicking myself over getting rid of:

1. Entertainment Weekly: Special Friends issue.  A magazine chock full of fun facts, behind the scenes info and actor profiles of one of my favorite shows.  It came to light that I’d tossed this fun magazine the winter that my sister watched every episode of the show over the course of a month or so and was super excited to get her hands on the magazine for extra info.  She still won’t let me live this down.

2. My Miss America banner.  Ok, I know that sounds strange, but in high school I dressed up as Miss America for a youth group Halloween party and our dear neighbor replicated the Miss America banner perfectly.  It was the highlight of my costume that year and would have been perfect to pair with my tiara and a skirt suit for a work-appropriate costume this year.

I know that these things aren’t life or death, but on multiple occasions I’ve wished I’d held onto them and I didn’t.

The kicker?

I have SO MUCH CRAP that I will actually never use.  Dumb stuff that I think I need when I actually lay eyes on it but that in reality I’ll probably never use.

Today I made some progress on one of my most difficult area’s of hoarding: furniture.

I’m a sucker for hand-me-down furniture.  You know, because someday I’m going to have a huge house to fill up.  And I’ll, of course, need a bunch of tacky, used furniture to fill it up?

Really?!

Shouldn’t I think that it would be more fun to bargain hunt for better cast offs that I can re-vamp?  Or save up to buy new stuff?

Better yet, shouldn’t I realize that I’m never moving because the housing market is so bad and so I should just throw it overboard to be able to take a deep breath from the freedom that comes from clean, clutter-free open spaces?

Well, I bit the bullet today and listed 4 big pieces of our old furniture on Craigslist!

Before you ask, no.  No you do not want it.  It’s old and frumpy and you’re better off without it.

I’m just hoping there are some other furniture hoarders browsing Craigslist tonight ;)