I spent the two years after Grace was born working full time. They were probably the hardest two years of my life, but I’m honestly thankful for them now.

I dreamed my whole life of being a stay at home mom. It’s what my mom did and what I thought was the “right” thing to do.

Before Andy and I got married, we talked about our plans for having kids and how we wanted to handle the working vs staying at home thing. He was totally on board with having me at home. We were in agreement.

Then real life happened.

Things didn’t go exactly how I thought they would {shocking, I know} which resulted in us waiting a long time to grow our family.

And it wasn’t until Andy decided to go all the way and become a doctor, that we said, “Well, we’re not going to wait till you’re out of med school to start a family so let’s just go for it!”

I became pregnant with Grace and our plan was that I’d figure out how to juggle my full time job and taking care of her.

I was definitely anxious about how it would all work out, but I just figured it would. People can do amazing things when they have to, so I kept plowing ahead thinking it would be fine.

Fast forward 9 months and after a “routine” checkup with my midwife I was told that my blood pressure was dangerously high and that I’d have to go to the hospital THAT DAY to get induced.

This was NOT what I was expecting.  I had at least two more weeks to go according to my due date! I’d only spent 5 days training my replacement to take over for me during my maternity leave! I hadn’t hung the curtains in the nursery!

But there was really no arguing, so I went to the hospital and two days later I held my baby girl in my arms for the first time.

I spent 8 weeks on maternity leave getting to know my little Grace and trying desperately to get her on a strict schedule so that I’d know what to expect from her when I started working again. I read a great book (Baby Wise) and was struggling because the schedule wasn’t coming along as quickly as the book suggested it might.  Turns out Grace didn’t read the book :) But eventually the methods in that book really gave us a wonderful sleeper {praise the lord!}.

However, getting Grace to take regular naps and sleep through the night wasn’t the key to being able to successfully juggle a full time job and a newborn baby.

Not even close.

I still had an infant to care for all day every day PLUS an intense and fast-paced full time job.  Both of them required nearly all of my effort.  To say I became stressed out and overwhelmed is the understatement of the century.

I nearly had a nervous breakdown.

But I felt terrible about it.  I mean why couldn’t I do it all?  And do it well?

If I just tried harder then surely I could muster up enough strength to make it work, right?

Not so much.

Fortunately I had a wonderful husband and great boss and we were able to work it out to make things more manageable.

Andy drastically reduced his hours at work to spend more time watching Grace so I could go to the office and my boss let me tailor my schedule to be at home and in the office at the times that worked for Andy’s school schedule.

It was still really intense, but it felt possible.

The whole experience stretched me and forced me to grow so much more than I ever would have on my own.  I literally felt like a rubber band about to snap, but it challenged me to reach out to God and to depend on my husband’s help and support.

I’m as independent as the day is long and it’s something I pride myself on, but it’s also a detriment.  I hate not being able to do it all on my own, but that’s not how life was meant to be lived.  Being a working mom for those two years really forced me to receive help and to reach out to God on a sometimes minute by minute basis.

I also tend to be critical, and I spent more energy than I care to admit criticizing other families who chose (or were forced to) have the mother work outside the home.  Working moms to me were just not the way things were meant to be.  I didn’t have compassion on their situations until I was in their shoes.  Being a working mom gave me a totally different perspective.  I was still every bit my daughter’s mother and her world.  Having a job cannot take that away.

I’m also thankful for the way those crazy two years make me appreciate the precious time I have at home now.  On days when things feel mundane or “Groundhog Day-esque” I remember how much I longed to be able to be here.  To take care of things like dirty dishes, laundry and weekly trips to the library.  To get out of the house for random adventures whenever the urge strikes.  To be the CEO of this household and use my gifts and talents to serve my family.

I’m so thankful I got to live on that side of the proverbial fence for a while.  I really believe it made me a better woman, mother and friend.