I’m constantly writing…in my head.

Is it weird that I’m stringing words into sentences and sentences into blog posts most of the time when my mind wanders?

Or, is it weirder that I never post them?

I’ve talked before about how much I love words.

They bring me comfort.  They tame my wild thoughts.

When I see my worries, fears, and anxieties in black and white on the pages of my journal or here on the blog, it takes their power away.

They all seem less scary.

Writing about things I’m struggling with and having God take over my keystrokes to guide me into His wisdom is something that amazes and comforts me every time.

This year, especially after attending the Influence Conference, I started to feel like I should write.

Like it’s not just some cute hobby or narcissistic outlet, but that maybe it’s a calling.

Geez, that sounds so pretentious.

I don’t think I’m anything special or that I have it all figured out.  Not at all.

But since my teen years, I’ve been craning my neck to see what God might have me do with my life.

What God’s plan for my life is.

And man am I wresting with that one lately.

I know He has good plans for me.  That He can weave my messes into His good purpose.  That He is sovereign and omniscient.

But I also know He lets us choose.

We aren’t little minions who have to do what He wants.

We are free beings.

We can choose to mess up again and again (and boy have I!) and we can also choose obedience and surrender.

So what does that mean for each of us and our purpose?  Our callings?  The meaning of our lives?

I’m not really sure.

I think I’m hoping He’ll take over my keystrokes right now and let me know :)

As I’ve prayed and pondered and read good books authored by wise people, I know that God has made each one of us unique.  We are all gifted and talented in special ways.  We are each burdened by different causes and plights.  We each come alive when we do different things.

And we’re always looking outward to figure out who we should be and what we should do.

What do our families expect from us?  Or our teachers?  Our friends?  Our bosses?  Our kids?  Our churches?

If you’re anything like me, you’ve tried to figure out the answer to each of those questions and you’ve tried to be all of those things.

Then, you’ve crashed and burned.

Sat in a heap of smoldering rubble wondering who you even are.

But maybe you’ve also gotten to the part of your story where a kind and loving being takes you by the hand.  Walks you away from the pile of ashes and restores you.  Convinces you that, like a newborn baby who is loved by his parents simply because they made him, you are loved beyond your wildest dreams just because He made you.

You are redeemed.  You are loved.  You have years spread out before you to walk in the knowledge of this good news.

Now how are you going to live?

He’s going to ultimately rescue you again, once and for all, so maybe you want to just sit and wait for that.

I’ve tried that way and it has left me feeling antsy and wasteful.

Maybe you decide to erect a monument to prove, even though you don’t have to, that you are worthy, valuable, and important!

I’ve tried that too and it has left me feeling empty and alone.

So what are we to do?

Instead of looking outward, I think we need to start looking upward and inward.

Lately I feel Him whispering to me that it will all fall into place if I focus most on keeping my heart near Him.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:23

He’s interested in our hearts.  Not our service, or good deeds, or accomplishments, or achievements or victories or defeats.

Just our hearts.

The one thing that seems hardest to surrender to Him.

It’s a constant battle, this whole thing of keeping our hearts near Him.  We feel an ache so often and then we act as quickly as we can to make it go away.  There are so many things we have in our arsenal against the ache.

None of them work for long.

Maybe, once we succumb to the idea that keeping our hearts near God is often a minute-by-minute surrender, we will be ok with having to reach out to Him that often.

Then, maybe it will become second nature…the reaching out and turning to Him.

And I have this sneaking suspicion that when that starts to happen, the things He has uniquely created us to be will start to bear fruit.  We’ll start living out of our gifts and passions in a way that glorifies Him and we’ll feel peace and joy.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness,
and all these things will be given to you as well.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:33

So, no more worrying for this gal today.  Just continuing to fight the minute-by-minute battle of keeping my heart close to Him.  Seeking first His kingdom and righteousness.

The rest is just details.