Adoption Archives - Daily Rebecca

Vacation Reset

August 30, 2015

There’s just something about being on vacation that gives me a total reset. I see the world differently. The wheat in my life separates from the chaff and I have clarity about what’s important and what I’ve gotten caught up in that is draining the life out of me.

The ocean is some of the best therapy I’ve found. When I walked onto the beach the other morning just as the sun was rising, it felt as though God himself was saying good morning to me. I saw the giant orange sun coming up over the horizon and my heart smiled and instinctively I said out loud, “Good morning, Lord!”

The waves crashing onto the shore and nothing to see ahead but the sky and water brings a sense of peace and calm to my heart. My mind is always going 100 miles an hour and I struggle to quiet and be still. When I’m facing the ocean it’s different. The sound of the water, the salt air blowing on my face, the tapestry of seashells along the shore, the seagulls and sand pipers flitting and flying around are all a symphony of God’s creation and I wish I could bottle up the effect they have on me and take it home.

I’d love a sip of that around 2:00 on a random Tuesday afternoon when I’m home, worn out by the activities of the day and my ever mounting to-do list. What a pleasure that would be!

Reading and watching the kids play has also been so peaceful. It’s easy to become exasperated by all of the normal kid antics, but if I stop and just watch them…memorize their sweet little faces as they play or dance along the shore, I’m completely overwhelmed with gratitude for them.

In Tattoos on the Heart, one of the guys says, “The duty to delight is to stare at your family as they eat, anchored in the surest kind of gratitude – the sort that erases sacrifice and hardship and absorbs everything else.”

Not having any of my regular household stuff or social obligations has provided me much time to just sit and stare at the kids. It really does provoke a sense of gratitude for them that erases any sacrifices I make to take care of them and it absorbs everything that normally seems challenging.

I want to take more time at home to say “NO” to other things and YES to staring at my children and feeling gratitude.

I also need to slow down. I cannot keep saying yes to everything that comes along. It’s robbing me of important things. It makes me edgy and irritable with the people I’ve been called to care for and it doesn’t allow enough margin for things that feed my soul. Things like seeing the morning sun and having my heart cry out “Good Morning!” to my father in heaven.

Vacation helps me see things. It awakens possibility inside me. Challenges the way I normally operate. I tend to get a million and one random thoughts and I always want to write them down…try to harness them like wild horses, but I almost always talk myself out of it. While journaling on the beach last week I wrote:

The control freak in me wants a smooth transition to the next journal topic. She wants neat handwriting and even rows of text. But that’s not me. I’m a hurried scribble. I always have been. Will I ever be ok with that? When I am, will it mean that I write more? Can I blog like that? Stream of conscious?

I would love to read that. It would comfort my messy aching soul. No catchy openers. No tidy wrap ups. Just raw words. Emotion. Dreams. Passion.

Have I blogged for 10 years, no…11 years, just to get to the place where I finally find my stride? I love the raw and even cryptic writing of Flower Patch Farmgirl. It awakens something in me. It comforts me. I need to pursue this. Without warning. Without preamble. Without disclaimer.

Adoption has gripped my heart. I’m consumed. I’m terrified and thrilled at the same time. I’m so comforted and reassured by Jaclyn’s story. Thank you God for this vacation. For the two cold Miller Lights that give me an exhale as I sit here on the beach. For the sand on my heel and the waves crashing in my ear. Choose my babies for me. Start now. I’m ready.

Rebecca’s Random Rambling

April 10, 2015

Maybe I should start a new series…

Rebecca’s Random Rambling!

Gotta love some alliteration :)

But seriously, I do miss writing about what’s happening in our life.

It’s been fun going on and on and on and on and on and on and on about Whole30 and I could probably write even more!

But I’ll spare you ;)

I did add a new menu item at the top of the blog in case anyone wants to view all of the Whole30 posts later on.

I guess I haven’t written a random update in a while because life feels pretty ordinary these days…

We have adjusted well to life with a baby. In fact, it’s been a much smoother transition than I anticipated! Drew is such a happy and easy going baby. It surprises me almost every day.

Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, but for now he’s an awesome eater and sleeper and he’s all smiles when he’s awake.

I think I also might be a little more laid back this third time around which probably helps things too.

With Grace I was so anxious about every little thing. Her umbilical cord coming off, cutting her tiny little finger nails, whether she’d ever sit up or use a sippy cup (LOL), whether she was color blind (at TWO when she kept mixing up blue and green) and a host of other equally embarrassing things.

Praise Jesus I wasn’t like that with Avery!

But I was still very intense and had unrealistic expectations about what the baby phase was supposed to look like. I pushed hard to get her to sleep through the night, tried hard to space her feedings farther apart and felt like I was supposed to say yes to everything and not let my baby slow me down.

That was all a mistake.

I missed out on the precious and fleeting moments that should be carved out for a new baby. Saying no to meetings and retreats and events and get togethers for a short time during the baby phase is actually a good thing.

After Avery’s infancy I committed to myself not to make the same mistakes, should I have the opportunity to have another baby.

I’m happy to say that, for the most part, I’ve held to that commitment. I hunkered down in the beginning and said no to just about everything. I’ve skipped parties and retreats and saved myself so much stress.

I definitely wanted Drew to sleep through the night, but I wasn’t quite as desperate about it. I planned in my mind to feed him every two hours for the better part of six months if that’s what he wanted.

And you know what?

He slept through the night and went to a 4 hour feeding cycle all on his own. Without me pushing at all! It’s nuts I tell you. NUTS.

I’m not complaining though! This easy baby thing totally ROCKS.

People keep asking whether we’re “done” and I find it weird that so many people asked that as soon as Drew was born. And they keep asking!

At this point, our heart is really for adoption.

God put that desire in my heart in the most unlikely way and it’s only grown stronger. I know there are no guarantees and that some of the most loving families have wanted to adopt and it hasn’t worked out, so I’m really trying to leave it all in God’s hands. I trust that if he has a child(ren) in mind for us and we trust Him to get us from A to B, He will.

If he doesn’t, we’ll continue to support adoption by contributing to others who are on the path to bringing home the children God has for them.

So we aren’t “done” yet. Not because we have “our boy” or have our hands full. I really believe there are other children out there or coming some day that are meant to be a part of our family. I get antsy and anxious thinking about it, but I truly do believe that if we’re open and willing to obey, God will handle the rest.

I started this post last week and got interrupted before posting it, so I’m back today to finish it off…

It’s interesting to me how everything I said above is still true, and nothing dramatic has happened, but I find myself in such a different place this week.

Anxious.

About every.little.thing.

I was so looking forward to preparing for Easter by quieting my heart and life during Holy Week (the week leading up to Easter Sunday).

But instead of it being a Holy Week, it was a HOLY CRAP I’M SO BUSY week.

Anxiety set up camp in my heart and tormented me all week. I’m only now getting some relief from it after much prayer from my beloved husband and much reaching out to God despite not really wanting to reach out.

What’s up with THAT?

I know He’s the only one who can give me peace and joy, yet sometimes I’d rather wallow in my own pity party. Sometimes I want to stew about the things that are upsetting me rather than turning them over to Him and choosing to abide in Christ.

And I just don’t understand why.

Thankfully I’m well aware of what a lost sheep I am. Remembering my weakness prompted me to ask God to help me ask Him for help.

That’s how dependent I need to become.

And boy do I fight it!

Like a stubborn toddler I’m always shouting, “I do it!”

On my own.

Without you, God.

It’s no wonder I get myself into such muddy puddles.

I’m so grateful for his never-ending love and mercy.

Lord knows I need it every day! The ones where things are working out as well as the ones where they aren’t.

Burdened

October 1, 2012

September 30, 2012

My heart broke into a million pieces when I saw a neglected child on Breaking Bad tonight. The parents were both meth heads and the little boy was dirty and helpless. Vacant eyes and sorrowful soul.

All alone. No love. No care. No affection.

I have to do something.

—————————-

This note was typed out on my phone last night amidst tears. I was completely broken up over a little boy’s character on the show Breaking Bad.

We started watching this show on Netflix last year but only made it about 3 episodes in because it’s really gritty. It follows the story of a high school Chemistry teacher who finds out he has lung cancer and begins “cooking” meth with a young guy he knows as a means to stockpile money for his family when he dies.

It has honestly turned out to be a riveting drama and although it’s very raw and kind of dark, it’s brilliantly executed which keeps me coming back for more. Plus, at this point I’m attached to the characters and have to find out what is going to happen.

But back to the little boy.

Ever since Grace was born, I have a HUGE sensitively to things related to babies and children.

Before her, when I heard about a tragedy involving children, I was all, “Aw. That’s so sad.”

Now?

Now I’m all, “Oh my gosh I think I’m going to be sick. I can’t think about it for another second lest I fall apart.”

It’s been a dramatic shift to say the least.

I just didn’t understand the love of a parent for their child until I had my own. I didn’t understand the beauty of their precious little souls until I knew my Grace Ellen intimately. I didn’t really get how vulnerable and delicate they are….depending on their parents for every earthly need to be met.

I just didn’t understand.

Now I do.

So when I hear about sad stories on the news, or tragedies of people I know, it’s almost too much to bear. I have several friends who have had heartbreaking losses involving their children and I’ve grieved for them and prayed for them in the deepest parts of my heart.

Children are precious blessings. They are tiny little lives being molded by everything that they experience.

So many children are not getting what they need. They are abused or abandoned and their fragile little souls are aching for the love and care that they were designed to receive.

Some of them are in orphanages, some of them are in drug houses, some of them live next door.

And my heart is breaking for all of them in ways it never has before.

I’m privileged to know several people who were adopted into their families. My former boss has three adopted children. A close friend of mine adopted a precious little girl last year and is about to travel across the world to bring home a sweet little sister. Another friend is in the waiting game right now to adopt a little boy.

It’s all around me and I’ve admired it, but I’ve never felt a pull.

Until last night.

You see, I started reading Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman. She’s the wife of Christian musician Steven Curtis Chapman and she’s the mother to six children. Three of them are adopted and one of them was killed in a tragic accident in 2008.

I’m about half way through the book (having started it yesterday evening…it’s SO good!) and so far it’s been the story of her life, her marriage, her motherhood and her tragedy. It has painted a picture of adoption that is so familiar to me from the stories of my friends, but so new at the same time.

While reading the book last night, I felt my heart being pried open. It (adoption) seems more realistic to me than it ever has. It makes me kind of nervous since I’ve never felt the tug before.

So I’m reading this book and God is opening my heart and mind to the idea of adoption and then I watch an episode of Breaking Bad and I see this poor, neglected little boy whose parents are meth addicts and I just break down.

Full on sobbing in my living room.

I could hardly catch my breath.

My heart was literally broken for this little boy who isn’t even real. Because his story IS real. He may have been a character on a television program, but his situation is not fiction.

There are small children living in heinous conditions, not being properly fed, clothed, bathed or cared for. Their parents are addicts or mentally ill or whatever.

These children are on their own day in and day out.

Even now, I get sick to my stomach thinking about it.

I want to wrap them all up and bring them home. I want to bathe them and feed them and just hold them telling them that they are precious and loved.

I feel so helpless.

I feel so out of touch.

In my cozy, clean home. With my full refrigerator. My loving family. My health. My lifestyle.

I feel ashamed that I live in this pretty little bubble while the world around me is full of these hurting children.

I don’t know what to do.

So I’m praying. A lot.

I’m asking God to show me what I should do. How I can help.

Pure, unstained religion, according to God our Father, is to take care of orphans and widows when they suffer and to remain uncorrupted by this world. James 1:27