Oh my goodness it’s been so long since my last post.
To say that I’ve felt uninspired is the understatement of the year.
I’m mostly surviving the waking hours on my couch. Feeling bad about all I’m not doing.
Sounds fun, huh?
Fortunately there have been some life-giving distractions….things I dread beforehand and then feel so grateful for because I forget about how gross I feel and I remember that life is sweet.
Church on Sunday was a big one.
I woke up feeling like I’d never even slept. I got the girls dressed and fortunately didn’t have to take a shower, so I just fixed my hair and makeup and threw on an outfit with a big necklace to make me feel fancy.
The first worship song wasn’t one I was familiar with, so I stumbled along singing it between sips of coffee.
The worship leader this week happened to be my friend’s younger brother and his honesty when leading worship is always so refreshing.
He’s not a “rah-rah” kind of worship leader. His style is more laid back and soulful. I was thinking I might have needed a little “rah-rah” that morning, but after he admitted how tired he was and how he wasn’t a cheerleader but wanted to come humbly before our great God, I was feeling hopeful.
Hopeful that we all have our days but God is good anyway.
Then we started singing this song.
The lyrics washed over my parched and weary soul like a cool rain shower.
You are my vision, oh king of mine heart
Nothing else satisfies, only You, Lord
You are my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, Your presence, my light
You are my wisdom, You are my true word
I ever with You and You with me, Lord
You’re my great Father and I’m Your true Son
You dwell inside me, together we’re one
You are my battle shield, sword for the fight
You are my dignity, You’re my delight
You’re my soul’s shelter and You’re my high tower
Come raise me heavenward, oh, power of my power
I don’t want riches or a man’s empty praise
You’re my inheritance, now and always
You and You only, the first in my heart
High king of heaven, my treasure You are
Suddenly the dark cloud moved aside and it felt like sunshine poured over me while I wept through these lyrics.
The truth is so powerful yet we lose it. It wants to be sought out, but we grow weary and apathetic. We know we should see the truth as a balm for our pains, yet we don’t. We turn to our own devices. We try to figure out our own solutions.
At least I do.
I lay on the couch wondering how much longer I’ll feel like this. Wondering what I can do to trick myself into not feeling this way. Wondering if this dark cloud will ever give way to sunshine again.
The truth sits patiently beside me.
The well worn Bible given to me when I was only 9 years old is full of glorious truth.
But I let it sit there while I take a guilt trip or set the table for my pity party.
I scroll through social media sites seeking escape but only finding frustration.
How grateful I am for the weekly rhythm of Sunday church!
A ritual some may say is unnecessary or archaic.
But one that I find tethers me back to the lover of my soul.
The One that I sometimes lose sight of during the week but who shines so brightly amidst a crowd of brothers and sisters exalting His name in song and teaching and love toward one another.
I feel so blessed to be able to gather to worship.
I feel so humble to drag my weary, imperfect, skeptical self into a place rich with community and authenticity and love.
It’s Thursday and the doldrums threaten to overake me.
I didn’t want to pull out the laptop and share anything here because I feel so scattered and haphazard.
Somehow opening the front door and feeling the warmth of a sunny day and smelling the scent of freshly cut grass made me feel hopeful.
Reminded me that after the winter, spring always comes.
These cold, barren seasons bring new life.
How I long to live on the mountaintop all the time!
I want to walk in joy and excitement every day. I don’t want to struggle, but it’s through the struggle that growth comes.
May I not squander it.
May I surrender myself to the struggle and reach out to God anyway. May I not retreat from Him, but draw ever close.
May He give me the strength to do that when I just want to pull away into myself.
I ever with you and you with me, Lord.
You dwell inside me, together we’re one.