I almost tremble to write this, but I can’t help wondering if it’s true.
Poking around Facebook, Twitter, and the blogosphere, it seems that I keep seeing the same thing…
Praise for “keepin’ it real.”
And, don’t get me wrong….I LOVE keepin’ it real.
Authenticity is something I’ve come to value very much. Especially over the past few years.
None of us is perfect.
We all have dark moments, hours, and days.
I get that.
BUT.
Sometimes we’re good at things too.
You might be a BOSS at work. You’re climbing the corporate ladder and you are just awesome at what you do.
We commend you!
You might be an artist whose paintings, printables, knitting, or jewelry is beautiful and sells well all over the internet.
We commend you!
You might be a powerhouse blogger. Your traffic is incredible, you get hundreds of likes on every Instagram picture, and you have gobs of people waiting for your next post.
We commend you!
Or, you might be a homemaker who keeps a clean house, makes dinner every night, and has highly organized closets and drawers.
Oooooh.
Well then…we might suggest that you spend more time on those things than on your children. Maybe we make jokes about June Cleaver or Martha Stewart. We surmise that you’re uptight or controlling. Maybe talk about how we’re so glad we know how to “ignore the dust” or “prioritize ‘me’ time”.
Why can’t we think you’re awesome for the things you’re good at?
Why does homemaking success seem to make people so defensive?
Why do a neat & tidy house and mouth-watering descriptions of successful recipes somehow feel threatening?
Many moons ago women prided themselves on a clean home, dazzling meals, and sacrificing themselves for a well-run home. Probably too much…think stereotypical 50’s housewife.
Those women needed to know it was okay to be less than perfect. They needed to know they mattered, not just their performance. They needed to relax a little, let down their guard, and be more honest with the world.
So many of today’s women seem opposite. Never have time for a shower or a home-cooked dinner. Wake up feeling defeated before they start. It’s all mess all the time. Victims of a “Pinterest-driven ideal”.
I’m not saying everyone has to be good at everything. Or that homemaking skills are better than bow-hunting skills any other skill set.
If you hate cooking and cleaning, but love crafting and creating…more power to you! We are all different and unique and awesome.
I get that.
I just feel like there’s this lopsided weight of praise doled out when people hate on domesticity.
Why can’t “real motherhood” be Pinterest worthy?
Maybe you suck at working outside the home, eating healthy, and being vulnerable online, but your kids are dressed adorably and your home looks like a showroom.
Maybe you struggle with social anxiety, keeping up with laundry, and working out regularly, but you are a craft maven who has a real-life DIY portfolio that would put Martha to shame.
Does motherhood have to look like the antithesis of Pinterest in order to be genuine?
Again, why can’t I be a “good mom” and have a clean oven and floors? Why is it either or?
Maybe cleaning is the one thing I’m really good at. Maybe I enjoy it and derive satisfaction and pride from keeping my house clean? Maybe I can’t draw a straight line, make my way around social media, or cook anything but boxed mac n’ cheese, but my house is freaking sterilized.
I mean “I” in the most general sense. I personally am not nearly the house cleaner I’d like to be!
Listen, I SUCK at a lot of things.
I’m gonna run through a quick list to give you an idea of some things I’m just plain bad at…
- taking care of house plants
- maintaining a garden
- responding to emails in a timely manner
- answering my phone
- calling people back in a timely manner
- cartwheels (can.not.do.them.)
- sewing
- keeping clutter at bay
- keeping my basement bathroom clean
- keeping my kitchen and dining room floors clean
- getting out the door on time without rushing like a mad woman
- grocery shopping on a budget
- crafts of any kind
- driving
- making my bed regularly
- asking for help
- cooking without making a complete mess
- being kind and patient when my kids wake in the middle of the night
- not holding a grudge
- juicing consistently
- exercising consistently
- doing anything consistently
This is, by far, NOT a comprehensive list. Just a few things that came to mind as I’m sitting here typing this up.
There are so many more.
I think I happen to be decent at home-making in general, and I really enjoy taking care of my husband and kiddos so it’s not a huge effort to do a good job.
Not an excellent, outstanding job. But a solidly good one.
I’m proud of my domestic success. I think it’s a good thing to meal plan, cook for my family, keep my house in order, and even blog a few mouth-watering recipes in the process.
I certainly don’t think I should be obsessed with it or find my value in it, but I do think I should put forth effort.
I don’t think that makes me inauthentic. I don’t think that makes me uptight.
I also don’t think it’s wrong for anybody not to be good at this stuff. Maybe it’s not your thing and that’s OKAY.
So why then, does it seem like people don’t want to see domestic success?
That you can be good at anything else, but not homemaking.
Am I wrong on this?
Am I just sensitive to it or is this really happening online?
I really do want to know. Maybe I have this all wrong!
Remember Elizabeth Leefolt from The Help? The one who was always sewing her own clothes and ignoring her kids and trying to make sure that her person/house/family/living situation was perceived to be better than it was? We’ve moved away from that pressure now…we can have people over and our house can be messy and in a way that’s saying “we’re close enough that you can see my mess,” which is a huge relief. But I do think sometimes we swing too far in that freedom and we act like no one can be good at anything. “Keeping up appearances” is one thing, and honesty and vulnerability are another, but there should be some kind of middle ground, you’re right. So I guess I’m saying that I’m glad to live in a time when I can have a messy house or kids with food on their faces and not feel shame, but I’m also satisfied when my house is clean or dinner is REALLY good even though the day’s been crazy. I want to fulfill my calling well without needing to apologize for that. And without negating it all with self-deprecating humor, either.
Amen sista! Exactly my thoughts :) Congrats on that gorgeous baby girl! It has occurred to me that I never submitted a guest post to you #fail. I’m so sorry…the past few months have been a little hectic. I’d still love to contribute sometime!
I work full time and I am the primary cleaner/cooker of our household. I don’t consider myself particularly gifted at either one. I do a pretty good job at work and a pretty good job at home, but I’m not going to be a CEO or the next Martha Stewart anytime soon. I usually use one or the other to depending on the day to make myself feel like I was productive or in some sense of the word successful. Bad day at work? Well, I cooked a great dinner! Dinner is less than stellar, hey, I worked all day today! Can’t be expecting culinary miracles left and right here. Honestly, I like it this way. If I was a full time stay at home lady, I would feel enormous pressure to have a perfect house, be the preparer of perfect meals and the begetter of perfect children. I feel like full time homemaking/SAHM’ing is a scary, competitive world.
I totally get this balance…I had the same mindset when I was working full-time when my oldest was a baby. It was a relief not to feel so much pressure in either position when I knew I was juggling two major gigs. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment :)
I should say up front – I am not the BEST at keeping the house perfectly clean. I give myself a pass since I work FT (albeit from a home office), write, take care of a 4 year old FT, and am pregnant.
Now, while I may personally console myself when the dust starts to pile up with the fact that I’m spending time with my kid or providing for my family financially, I don’t put it out there that it makes me a better mom. It’s necessity. I have to tell myself I’m still doing the mom thing just fine if I can’t do ALL THE THINGS.
I agree with a lot of the comments here – some people seem to feel that the only way to validate their choices is to put down (directly or indirectly) someone else’s.
I totally admire women who have their house and themselves together (particularly before noon…said by the woman currently working in her sweats and with a severe case of bedhead).
More and more, I see people (sadly, women in particular) judging other’s choices as a defense of their own. Maybe they find that easier.
(Glad you posted :))
Amber, thanks so much for your comment. I admire women (you!) who manage working, taking care of children and still keeping up with the house to any degree! We all have our own battles to fight, as evidenced by all the snarky/critical stuff floating around online. I just wish we’d be able to celebrate one another more often. I’m glad you commented!
Is this in response to a certain blog post going viral on Facebook?
I think women are the biggest critics of other women. When was the last time a man raised his eyebrow and said “maybe you should take some ‘me’ time instead of all that housework you’ve been doing”? With that in mind, I think a lot of women feel domestic success is anti-feminism, which is not true at all. Feminism allows women to choose what they want to pursue in life instead of saying “this is what you HAVE to do.”
Hmmm…not sure the viral post you’re referring to, but I’m curious!
I agree with your comment about feminism giving us the freedom to choose. I’m hoping to see more women celebrating other women’s choices instead of knocking them. Why can’t we all just get along?! Lol
I think it’s kind of a pendulum swing. The stereotypical 1950s housewife thing wasn’t super healthy, so the pendulum swings to being anything BUT the stereotypical 1950s housewife. Really, being somewhere in between is probably best.
Additionally, I feel like women compare themselves to each other way too much which is disastrous for how we view ourselves and gets in the way of our relationships with one another. I feel like once we truly understand that our identity is in Christ, we can appreciate and celebrate our sisters and their gifting and talents without feeling insecure about how we think we don’t measure up.
Easier said than done :)
YES. YES. YES! Thanks so much for taking the time to comment :)
Great post. I think Pam really said it well- it’s really just a bunch of pointing fingers. We can’t seem to be okay with doing things differently- we have to compare ourselves and fight to prove that our choice was the “right” one. I’m with you- I don’t get it. I think we can all learn so much from one another, and being willing and open to learn (and then decide what works for us and what doesn’t) is a mark of maturity and self-confidence- not this silly “who’s better” game.
Agreed! We should all be more open and willing to learn from and CELEBRATE each other! Let’s start a revolution :)
I’ve probably told you this Rebecca, but in the 70s, when I was a stay-at-home Mom, I was at a party and a gal asked me what I did. I told her I was a SAHM and she asked me if …”that was all I did.” I made it my job to cook, clean and take care of my family. I loved it and was very fulfilled. I’ve worked in both worlds…domestic and business. The best job I ever had was being a SAHM. Embrace your job and keep excelling at it. I think you’re AAMAZING!
You’re bad at driving…? haha. But seriously, you’re not sensitive to it. There’s a trend of shaming one group/way of life in order to justify your own. Like the “no man wants to hug a bag of bones” or “real women have curves” e-cards that go around. Why do curvy/overweight women have to shame skinny women just to justify themselves? Granted, if someone’s naturally skinny with no effort involved, I’m jealous of them, but that’s besides the point.
I notice it more and more everywhere I look on the internet. And unfortunately, we live in a digital world where these comparisons and passive aggressive insults are rapid because anyone can hide behind a keyboard and say whatever they want. No one would ever visit your house and say to your face, “Your oven is so clean! You must never spend any time with your kids!”
But they can make an image with pretty font that says basically the same thing. And it rapidly spreads because no one can just be okay with themselves or the fact that their house isn’t clean in favor of whatever else they are good at. It’s much easier to contribute to putting others down rather than face inward insecurities.
Sorry to jump on and contribute to part 2 in a ranting sort of way…you just hit a nerve of something I’ve been thinking about as well. :)
Hi Pam! Thanks so much for taking the time to comment :)
Yes, I’m bad at driving! Although much better now that I’m older…ha!
I SO AGREE with all of your points. We need to stop hiding behind our computers, lay off the snark, and appreciate and celebrate one another!
So glad you contributed…don’t be a stranger! :)