Even If

I love music.

It touches me, transports me to other times and places, and scratches the deep itch that I have for beauty.

Certain albums and artists are the soundtracks for various chapters of my life and I can listen to those songs and be taken right back into those years of my life.

I also love God.

I really really appreciate the worship music at my church.

It has a way of settling my heart and opening me up to receive the sermon.  To let go of my week and my stress and my agenda.

The thing is, I don’t really like Christian music.

It just sounds so…Christian.

I know it’s terrible to say that.

There are probably so many wonderful Christian artists that I just haven’t discovered because I’m not up on the Christian music scene.

But for the most part, I can tell a song is Christian just by the way it sounds.

Anyone know what I mean?

But all that aside, I know that God uses music and lyrics to speak to us.

He just did that for me on Sunday when I was grieving for the Stone family whose beautiful son Kaden was fighting for his life.

That song spoke to my heart and gave me a glimpse of God’s goodness in the middle of something so very bad.

On Monday Grace and I were at the dentist for our semi-annual cleanings and I heard my phone vibrating in my purse.

My heart immediately sunk.

Diana’s dear friend Kim let me know that she would call me when Kaden passed away and somehow I knew that was the call.

We finished our appointment and made it out to the car before I was able to look at my phone.

It was Kim.

He was gone.

As I sat crying in my car with Grace asking me what was wrong, I was so angry all over again.

I kept trying to remember the things God had placed on my heart only a day before, but in the midst of the grief it was so hard.

Later that night I was driving out to meet up with the ladies who walked with me through a spiritual journey last year, and I was flipping channels on the radio just trying to lose myself in some music until I arrived at my friend’s house.

None of our pre-set stations were playing anything good, so I manually scanned the the FM stations, hoping to find a decent tune.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I paused on an obscure Christian station that I didn’t even know existed.

I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that they were playing this song.

Again I found myself being reminded of the truths that are so hard to remember when things are so painful.

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are

God’s goodness.

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good 

His forever faithfulness.

Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come 

This doesn’t mean that God wanted this to happen.  It doesn’t mean that it isn’t absolutely awful.

It reminded me that we don’t always understand Him.  In fact, we usually don’t.

Lord we know your ways are not our ways 
So we set our faith in who You are 

I know that you may be reading this and thinking I’m foolish and naive to believe in God.  A “supposed God” who lets all this crap happen.

There’s no way for me to change your mind, and I won’t even try.

But when I doubt and wonder if I am foolish…I remember that it takes faith to believe that there isn’t a God too.

And I’d rather use my faith to believe there is.

And when I step out in that faith.  Even when it’s small and very shaky…He comforts me.

So I’ll keep believing.  Even when I doubt.  And struggle.

Because it’s the only way I’ve found to have any hope in this dark world.

Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are