Still here…

I didn’t fall off the face of the earth.  I swear.

I’ve just had a very heavy heart lately and coming here to share recipes or random thoughts has seemed trite.

I love this blog space and I try to be honest and open with the thoughts and feelings that I experience, but sometimes I just don’t feel like it’s OK to put them out here.

Some of the things that have been burdening my heart are…

My dear friend Diana lost her twin boys at almost 20 weeks.  My heart broke when I heard her news.  It reminded me of other friends who have lost their babies and also those that struggle to get pregnant.  As much as I know that “God is in control” and that “He works all things out for good” it’s hard to understand these overwhelmingly sad stories.

Change is hard.  I’m shifting away from my full time job which is what I’d always hoped to do someday, but I’m finding myself sick to my stomach about the transition.  I mentally have one leg on each side of the fence (Working Mom/Stay at Home Mom) and I feel like I’m floundering on both sides.  I’m striving to finish well at work and train my predecessor to be fully equipped, but I feel guilty for leaving.  For not being there to make sure everything is just right.  For not doing what I’ve done almost every day for four and a half years.  It just feels wrong even though I really think this is the right thing for me and for my family.

Family dysfunction is sneaky.  We all have it and we adjust to the dynamics of our family so much that they feel normal even if they are not.  We get into patterns with our parents and siblings and we all have roles that we play to keep the boat afloat.  As soon as one person disrupts the dynamics, everyone else starts to feel like they are sinking.  I play the hero role in my family and probably in the rest of my life too and it’s really really starting to wear on me.

You may wonder what the hero role is all about…I stumbled upon this definition at www.joy2meu.com and it sums it up perfectly:

“Responsible Child” – “Family Hero”

This is the child who is “9 going on 40.”  This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-sufficient.  They give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside.  They are the good students, the sports stars, the prom queens.  The parents look to this child to prove that they are good parents and good people.As an adult the Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely judgmental (although perhaps very subtle about it) – of others and secretly of themselves.  They achieve “success” on the outside and get lots of positive attention but are cut off from their inner emotional life, from their True Self.  They are compulsive and driven as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure.
The family hero, because of their “success” in conforming to dysfunctional cultural definitions of what constitutes doing life “right”, is often the child in the family who as an adult has the hardest time even admitting that there is anything within themselves that needs to be healed.

The good news?

I have hope that my friends’ broken hearts will heal and they will meet their babies someday.

I will leave my job and it will be fine.  Grace and Andy will love having my energy focused on them and our home.

I will learn how to break out of my dysfunctional role in my family and experience healthy community with my mom and siblings.

For now?

I’m off to South Carolina for some much needed R&R.  See you in a week…