Maximum Capacity

Last night I was drowning in anxiety.

As much as I hate vague Facebook statuses about this kind of thing, I was weak after a few glasses of wine and posted a truly emo status…

The kind comments from friends and family were surprisingly comforting although I was honestly not fishing for encouragement.

I don’t really know what I was trying to achieve with such a “cry for help” status.

I totally blame the wine.

Chilled Chardonnay.

Yum.

Although the wine certainly helped mellow me out, I’m most grateful for my wonderful husband.  He listened to all of my irrational worries, embraced me while I cried and topped it all off with a killer foot rub.

I honestly don’t deserve him, but boy am I thankful for him!

It’s odd to me that I’m so anxious right now.  I’m on the cusp of a whole new life.  The one I’ve always wanted.  When I’m not overcome with anxiety, I’m filled with hope and anticipation!

So what gives?

Why all the panic?

I’m not exactly sure, but I know that you can only push so hard for so long before you run out of steam.  My “try harder, be tougher” mantra is not a healthy or sufficient long-term way of coping with the pain of life.

I’m realizing that I have a lot of issues I haven’t worked through and they are making me feel out of control.  Family baggage, co-dependency, anger, perfectionism, and on and on.

There’s a joke at work about how much of a control freak I am.  Usually I just chuckle and pat myself on the back for being so “on the ball” but lately I’m realizing that I am a control freak and it’s getting worse.

The more I feel emotionally out of control, the more I strive to physically control things.  Sometimes I do a decent job, but lately I feel like the plates I’m spinning are starting to wobble and crash down around me.

My poor sister.

Tomorrow concludes her second full week of training for my job and I’ve put her through the ringer.

We’ve covered a lot of ground and she’s been a fantastic understudy, but I’ve been controlling to the max. 

Do it this way. 

Exactly.

Because that’s the best way and the only way it’s ever been done.

Oy.

Girlfriend is really smart.  She’s an excellent communicator (dare I say better than myself?), very proactive and a true self-starter.

If I got hit by a bus today, she’d do a damn good job already.

And we still have 6 more weeks!

Today I realized that we’re making great progress and everything is going to be A-OK.

Besides all the work chaos and training craziness, I’ve been stressed about family dynamics, weight loss, healthy eating, housework, family planning, Grace’s schedule, social obligations and our list of home projects.

It’s too much to worry about all at once.

I do have limits and that’s a good thing.

I believe God created us with limitations to draw us toward Himself.

There’s a great passage in Jesus Calling by Sara Young (Buy it!  It’s awesome!):

I knew what I was doing when I divided time into twenty-four-hour segments.  I understand human frailty, and I know that you can bear the weight of only one day at a time.  Do not worry about tomorrow or get stuck in the past.  There is abundant Life in My Presence today.

Human frailty.

Yes, no matter how strong I may think I am, I’m human.

And that’s ok.