This is just embarrassing.
I’m feeling like I never should have started Weigh-In Wednesday’s. It’s practically become a joke.
I lose a few pounds then I gain a few pounds. I hit a low weight and then I skyrocket back up.
I utter big, bold statements about how IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN. Because I’m HELL BENT.
Then, I just yo-yo up and down.
I really don’t even know what to say about it.
Part of me thinks I have a totally screwed up metabolism or a thyroid problem. Then, the other part of me thinks I must just be lazy and inconsistent.
It’s so effing frustrating.
I work out. I don’t eat fast food. I don’t drink pop. I turn down lots of things that I’d like to eat.
Yet I’m not losing weight.
And, unfortunately, I let the number on the frickin’ scale determine my mood for the day. This is stupid on so many levels. Especially since 1 pound either way will often make or break my day and I tend to fluctuate 3 pounds in either direction at any moment.
I’m not sure what to do about it.
I want to live my life. I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I want to enjoy my food and not agonize over every single thing I eat or don’t eat.
I’m starting to think that if I truly want to meet my goals I’m going to have to be obsessed with it.
I’m going to have to eat 100% for health and never for fun. I’m going to have to count every calorie and work out even more.
Then I think, “Do I even want to?”
Do I want my life to revolve around my weight?
No I don’t.
When they were kids, my late Uncle Jim would taunt my mom and Aunt Becky about their weight since he tended to be naturally lean and they were a little curvy. They would taunt right back, “Better to be fat and jolly than skinny and sour!”
I think that may be true.
On the other hand, I want to be at a healthy weight. This isn’t about vanity, although right about now I’d give my left arm to get rid of my double chin.
This is about getting my blood pressure down to a healthy range naturally. I want to get off these pills. I want to be able to consider expanding our family and I’m not willing to do that when my BP is high and I’d have to be on medication during a pregnancy.
I want to model good habits to Grace so that she doesn’t have to battle with all of this the way I do.
But I don’t even know where to start.
I guess I should start logging my calories with LoseIt again. I guess I should add another workout to my week.
Here are my stats for this week (since my last blogged weigh-in):
Total Weight Loss: 9 pounds
No big promises this time. I’m just going to put one foot in front of the other and try not to aim myself toward a short pier.