Holding Some Back

I’ve been finding that it’s tough to blog when you’re holding some things back.

This blog is really cathartic for me and it’s a good platform for learning how to be more honest, transparent and vulnerable – all things I’d like to be more of.

I like that it challenges me to really put myself out there and say what I think.  But I also like that it’s a “take it or leave it” medium and I’m not saying these things to any one person face-to-face, thereby risking that I may offend them.

But lately I have a lot on my mind that just doesn’t have a place here.  Not yet anyway.

That makes it tough to share freely what’s on my heart and mind, but I’m trusting my gut that holding it back for now is the wise choice.

And judging by size, my gut is pretty trustworthy.
 
 ::wink::

So, I’m holding it back.  I’m thinking about it all and praying often.  I really ought to write some things down because experience has taught me that it won’t be so raw and intense when I share later on.

For instance, I’d hoped that this blog would maybe encourage other women who are struggling with patience while their men are finding their dreams or stumbling along looking like they never will.

I spent 6 years being distraught over that very thing and I felt like no one out there knew what I was going through.

But now?

Now I can hardly remember those feelings of despair and when I finally do dig deep enough to see them, they are tame in comparison to their former strength.

I should have written more of it down in the moment when it was so very real and all I could think about.

I could have shared it now with others who are going through the same thing.  But instead, I’m living in the “after” part of the situation and feel braggy if I share how overwhelmingly blessed I am that Andy has found his dream and is successfully achieving it.

::sigh::

So, here I sit.  Wanting to let it all out but choosing to hold it all in.

I think I’ll jot things down and save them for a rainy day when the time feels right.

This wasn’t meant to be a cliff hanger or anything.  Just a little relief for all that’s bubbling up inside me these days.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

You know, Grace pictures, recipes, weigh-ins and random updates.