Archives for November 2011

Feeling Totally Emo

November 16, 2011

At 31 years old I wrestle with conflicting feelings of finally being comfortable with who I really am and feeling totally displaced and out of touch with myself and everything around me.

I finally understand and appreciate my strengths and have been putting most of my effort lately into playing on them, rather than wasting energy bemoaning my weaknesses.

I no longer loathe the fact that I’m not the quiet and gentle spirit that I always thought the Bible said women were supposed to be. I’m loud and vivacious and I’m OK with that. I’m never going to be the meek and mild one and I think that’s OK. God made me the way I am and I don’t think He’d demand that I be something totally different. I do think He wants me to be the best me. The me that He knows I can become.

I know I’m capable of anything I put my mind to. Even sewing and cartwheels. I say I could never do either one, but I know that’s not really true :)

I can’t think of a situation that would scare the crap out of me. I could walk onto a stage in front of a thousand people and figure out how to engage. It’s just how I’m wired, and I love knowing I can handle whatever I’m faced with. On good days I tell life to “Bring it on!”

Sadly, as much as I feel confident in all of that and finally comfortable with who I am, I also feel profoundly alone.

I know it’s because I don’t let anyone in. I don’t depend on anyone or receive from anyone. I believe at my core that life is up to me. No one is going to help, so I’m on my own.

There’s always more I should be doing. I have a mental checklist a mile long. I’m not trying hard enough. I’m not doing good enough. No matter how hard I push, it always feels like the scales are tipped against me.

I’m reading a great book by John Eldredge and he captures it perfectly for me when he says, “This pushing is such a way of life for me, I barely know how to live otherwise. I’m always working on something. Trying to make life better for me or someone else. It feels like I heave myself at life. Always looking for some way to improve things.”

I’m tired of heaving myself at life. I feel schizophrenic because I waffle between confidence and wanting to crawl right out of my skin because I can’t stand it another minute.

Simple decisions become mountains. Cut and dry situations become complex. I’m always guessing and then weighing and measuring and debating. All day long. Day in and day out.

It’s not how we were created to live. It’s got to change.

Lazy Sunday “Casserole”

November 15, 2011

I don’t think I’d really call this a casserole because it’s so much more like a roast, but that’s what it’s called on the Kayotic Kitchen blog.

This one caught my eye because I’m a sucker for roasted veggies. Plus, I’ve been curious about cooking with fennel for a long time.

Here’s Fennel in case you two haven’t met:


Source

This one takes some time, but isn’t difficult. It’s a great recipe for Sunday afternoon when you’re home all afternoon and can start it early.

I’m picky about sausage because almost all of it is full of MSG and nitrites, so finding the perfect sausage for this dish was tough. I ended up at Trader Joe’s which is where I should have gone in the first place. They had a delicious chicken sausage that was free of all the crap I try to avoid and it was reasonably priced. Score!

Try this tasty comfort food on your next lazy Sunday!

*adapted from Kayotic Kitchen

Lazy Sunday "Casserole"

Author: Kayotic Kitchen

Recipe type: Main Dish

Ingredients

4 sausages (sweet, hot, or whatever you like)
1 pound potatoes (I like Yukon Gold)
½ pound carrots (or baby carrots)
2 red bell peppers
1 large onion
2 fennel bulbs
5 garlic cloves
¼ cup olive oil
freshly cracked black pepper and salt to taste
1½ tsp Italian herbs
1 cup water
5 tbsp balsamic vinegar

Instructions

Peel the potatoes, wash them and cut each potato in four pieces.
Peel one large or two smaller onions and cut them in wedges.
Remove the base and stalks of the fennel, cut out the hard core and cut into wedges
Cut red bell peppers into large chunks
Peel carrots and cut in halves or thirds or use baby carrots “as is”
Place everything in a big roasting tray.
Drizzle olive oil over everything
Sprinkle minced garlic and Italian herbs over everything then toss to get a more even coating
Season with a generous amount of salt and cracked black pepper.
Cover the tray with aluminum foil or the lid of your roasting pan and pop it in a preheated oven. Bake at 450F for 45 minutes.
That gives you plenty time to brown the sausages. No need to cook them all the way through, just lightly brown them. Slice each sausage in half.
After 45 minutes the potatoes and vegetables should be fork tender. If they’re not, cover the tray with the foil and pop them back in the oven for a few more minutes. If they are fork tender, place the sausages in there and pour the balsamic vinegar all over. Place the tray back in the oven, uncovered, for 25 to 30 minutes.
Take it out after 15 minutes, flip over those sausages and ladle some of the juices lurking at the bottom all over the vegetables and sausages. Put it back in the oven for the remaining time, until everything is nice and brown.

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Conflict of Values

November 14, 2011

I’ve been in a strange place lately.

I find myself questioning almost all of the values that I’ve been die-hard about for as long as I can remember.

I’m not talking about issues of faith or morality, but rather my personal value system.

These are the things that I would have “fallen on my sword” over in the past and now I’m thinking I may have had it all wrong. Or maybe I was just too “black and white” about these issues now I’m realizing that they are shades of gray.

Either way, it’s unsettling to question things that I just knew were right for so long.

Things like:

Women should stay home to raise their children and take care of their home. Working outside the home has a negative effect on children and husbands.

Babies should be breastfed for a full year. Anything less is a cop out. Low supply shouldn’t be an excuse; you can make enough for your baby if you try hard enough.

Children should be home-schooled. The education and nurture of a child are better left to the mother in the home.

Toddlers should never watch TV. It will cause them to have a lack of imagination and self-entertainment skills. The flickering lights will probably even cause ADD.

If a child doesn’t like vegetables, it’s the parent’s fault for giving them a taste for junk food.

Obviously most people would have labeled me an absolute psycho b*tch if I’d gone around shouting these things from the rooftops, so I generally kept them to myself. I’d sometimes share my point of view on these topics but would always couch it with, “I know it’s not for everyone, but…”

And on the inside I thought these really were the only right ways to do things.

Boy have I been given a run for my money!

I have had to work full time to support our family while Andy is in school and I’ve actually grown to love it. It gives me a sense of satisfaction and structure to my day. I often find that I’m more optimistic and motivated after a workday than during a weekend day.

Despite my best efforts, I had to supplement my baby’s diet with formula. I stopped breastfeeding after 6 months because I just wasn’t producing enough, regardless of how often I pumped or how much fenugreek I took. Pumping 1oz at work while the baby is at home eating 4oz quickly depleted my freezer stash and forced me to consider other options.

Some kids are better off in school. They are hard-wired to be social and outgoing and they become cranky and irritable if they are home all the time. Some kids thrive on the “competition” available in a classroom but will be unmotivated in their classroom of 1 at home with mom. Based on her current behavior patterns, Grace might be one of those kids.

Sometimes I need the 45 minutes of peace and quiet that an episode of Sesame Street will afford. Maybe my toddler even benefits from chilling out on the couch for a while. Maybe she will learn her ABC’s or how to count to 10 in Spanish or the benefits of sharing. Maybe her brain won’t rot and she won’t develop ADD.

It’s possible that after 6 whole months of eating homemade, organically grown pureéd vegetables, your toddler can still develop an aversion to anything and everything even resembling a vegetable.

I still battle with almost all of these things. Part of me thinks that if I did some of them the others wouldn’t be an issue.

It’s so good that God knocked me off my high horse over the past year and a half. I’ve realized that He had a purpose for me to work full-time besides just generating income. I haven’t only helped Andy on his path to becoming a doctor, I’ve also had my extreme value system rocked to the core.

I think I would have ridden into the sunset on my high horse had my circumstances not challenged every single one of those ideas I’d always held.

I don’t judge things on face value as much anymore. You never know the circumstances behind the things you see. Life isn’t black and white and these things aren’t right or wrong across the board.

My favorite thing about getting older is realizing how much I don’t know.

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