At 31 years old I wrestle with conflicting feelings of finally being comfortable with who I really am and feeling totally displaced and out of touch with myself and everything around me.
I finally understand and appreciate my strengths and have been putting most of my effort lately into playing on them, rather than wasting energy bemoaning my weaknesses.
I no longer loathe the fact that I’m not the quiet and gentle spirit that I always thought the Bible said women were supposed to be. I’m loud and vivacious and I’m OK with that. I’m never going to be the meek and mild one and I think that’s OK. God made me the way I am and I don’t think He’d demand that I be something totally different. I do think He wants me to be the best me. The me that He knows I can become.
I know I’m capable of anything I put my mind to. Even sewing and cartwheels. I say I could never do either one, but I know that’s not really true :)
I can’t think of a situation that would scare the crap out of me. I could walk onto a stage in front of a thousand people and figure out how to engage. It’s just how I’m wired, and I love knowing I can handle whatever I’m faced with. On good days I tell life to “Bring it on!”
Sadly, as much as I feel confident in all of that and finally comfortable with who I am, I also feel profoundly alone.
I know it’s because I don’t let anyone in. I don’t depend on anyone or receive from anyone. I believe at my core that life is up to me. No one is going to help, so I’m on my own.
There’s always more I should be doing. I have a mental checklist a mile long. I’m not trying hard enough. I’m not doing good enough. No matter how hard I push, it always feels like the scales are tipped against me.
I’m reading a great book by John Eldredge and he captures it perfectly for me when he says, “This pushing is such a way of life for me, I barely know how to live otherwise. I’m always working on something. Trying to make life better for me or someone else. It feels like I heave myself at life. Always looking for some way to improve things.”
I’m tired of heaving myself at life. I feel schizophrenic because I waffle between confidence and wanting to crawl right out of my skin because I can’t stand it another minute.
Simple decisions become mountains. Cut and dry situations become complex. I’m always guessing and then weighing and measuring and debating. All day long. Day in and day out.
It’s not how we were created to live. It’s got to change.
I can totally relate to this feeling. I'm 31 as well and some days I'm oh so confident and some days I'm just struggling to figure out who I am. It is nice to know I'm not alone :)
so I stumbled across your blog missy. I cannot tell you how much I identify with you…I could have written this post! You are entertaining and an extremely wonderful writer…continue to be who God created you to be. Love you and miss you.
I love your heart dear…. I too have that damn list that constantly haunts me!!! My friend Bronwyn and I are opposites, we laugh at each other because she is fun-loving and carefree, she loves life and takes the time to enjoy it, where I have my “list!” I desire to be more like her, and believe it or not, she wants to be more like me! Go figure…
It's hard to depend on others when they have let you down numerous times and, you feel like you can handle things on your own anyways. For me, I struggle more with not asking for help or expecting help because I feel like I'm a burden and not worth it…I don't really need help, I know I can do things, but it is isolating and hurtful to stay in that place. I sometimes envy people who have no problem making themselves a “burden” to others and pretty much demanding help and having no problem accepting it or expecting it. It made me sad to think one of my best friends feels alone…like what kind of friend am I if you feel that way? I would imagine that Andy would feel that way even moreso. You are loved and you have freedom in Christ…freedom to put down your lists (in your head) and let yourself just be who you are…which is an interesting and vivacious person! And…I'd like to think I could do a cartwheel too, but alas, I cannot. :)
Totally raw, Bec. Thanks for putting yourself in the vulnerable position of sharing your honest feelings for the public to read. That is extremely admirable.