At 31 years old I wrestle with conflicting feelings of finally being comfortable with who I really am and feeling totally displaced and out of touch with myself and everything around me.
I finally understand and appreciate my strengths and have been putting most of my effort lately into playing on them, rather than wasting energy bemoaning my weaknesses.
I no longer loathe the fact that I’m not the quiet and gentle spirit that I always thought the Bible said women were supposed to be. I’m loud and vivacious and I’m OK with that. I’m never going to be the meek and mild one and I think that’s OK. God made me the way I am and I don’t think He’d demand that I be something totally different. I do think He wants me to be the best me. The me that He knows I can become.
I know I’m capable of anything I put my mind to. Even sewing and cartwheels. I say I could never do either one, but I know that’s not really true :)
I can’t think of a situation that would scare the crap out of me. I could walk onto a stage in front of a thousand people and figure out how to engage. It’s just how I’m wired, and I love knowing I can handle whatever I’m faced with. On good days I tell life to “Bring it on!”
Sadly, as much as I feel confident in all of that and finally comfortable with who I am, I also feel profoundly alone.
I know it’s because I don’t let anyone in. I don’t depend on anyone or receive from anyone. I believe at my core that life is up to me. No one is going to help, so I’m on my own.
There’s always more I should be doing. I have a mental checklist a mile long. I’m not trying hard enough. I’m not doing good enough. No matter how hard I push, it always feels like the scales are tipped against me.
I’m reading a great book by John Eldredge and he captures it perfectly for me when he says, “This pushing is such a way of life for me, I barely know how to live otherwise. I’m always working on something. Trying to make life better for me or someone else. It feels like I heave myself at life. Always looking for some way to improve things.”
I’m tired of heaving myself at life. I feel schizophrenic because I waffle between confidence and wanting to crawl right out of my skin because I can’t stand it another minute.
Simple decisions become mountains. Cut and dry situations become complex. I’m always guessing and then weighing and measuring and debating. All day long. Day in and day out.
It’s not how we were created to live. It’s got to change.