Today was one of the hardest days of my life. I have been enjoying 8 weeks of spending every moment of every day with you. I knew that going back to work would be tough, but I had no idea how hard it would actually be.
When I left this morning you were still asleep and I just got ready and rushed out the door like I always used to. I strutted into the office like Super Mom, feeling good about getting there before most other people arrived. I was showered and dressed and had styled hair and makeup on. I was toting a travel mug of perfectly creamed coffee and felt confident.
The other people started arriving and I was still feeling ok. As time went on, I got more and more sad. I missed you and couldn’t concentrate on anything going on. I used to be SUPER good at my job. I had a great memory and was “on top” of everything. Now, I could only think about one thing…you.
A lot of changes were made in the 8 weeks that I was away. This made it especially tough for me to get a handle on what was going on. Robert kept emailing me about things he wanted me to take care of and as I was looking at everything that was happening it all seemed like a foreign language. My head was spinning and I just wanted to be at home with my girl.
I had to go out to my car around 10:30 to pump the milk that I wasn’t able to nurse you with. Even though you were in loving arms at home getting a bottle from Daddy, I was still very sad that I was sitting in my car pumping instead of at home feeding you. I hurried as fast as I could so that I could get back inside to keep “working”.
The morning flew by and I was pretty much just trying to “fake it till I make it” so that no one would know that my heart was breaking into a million little pieces. One o’clock came and I hopped into the car to get home to you and Daddy.
I called daddy on the way home to see how you were and I could hardly talk I was crying so much. When I finally got home, you were sitting in your bouncy seat and you looked even more beautiful that I remembered. You were totally fine and happy, but I was an absolute wreck.
I’ll never forget reaching down to grab your soft, warm little body. I held you close and squeezed you while I cried. I missed you SO much and never knew I could love you more than I already had. Every little inch of your sweet little body was more precious and beautiful than I had remembered. It felt like I’d been away from you for days. You totally melted my heart.
I was so happy to home but I couldn’t just sit and stare at you like I’ve been used to doing. I had to keep working. I had to force my brain to remember how to do my job. Daddy was wonderful with you and felt really sad that I was so sad. He hugged and encouraged me, but he had to get ready to go to work.
Three o’clock rolled around and daddy was off to work. It was just you and me kiddo, and I couldn’t keep it together. I held you in my arms as I checked my emails and tried to formulate a plan of how to start getting things done. Intermittantly I would just sob and hold you tighter. I cried out to God out loud and begged Him to give me strength. I recited Philipians 4:6-7 over and over, “Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” I thought about each word of that passage and meditated on the promise that God will give us overwhelming peace and guard our hearts and minds. I made sure not to forget the “with thanksgiving” part of the verse. I thanked God for you, for your daddy, for my great job, for Robert, for our home and our lifestyle. I knew that I had so many blessings to be thankful for and that I had to be sure to give God the thanks for them all. I also know that He gave you to us and that He gave your daddy the dream to become a doctor. That means that He will take care of us and he will give me the strength to handle working and taking care of you.
I was able to stop sobbing long enough to make good headway on a few of my projects. You were a darling and took a couple of good naps that allowed me to make some important phone calls. I still cried a lot and even got on my hands and knees on the floor to cry out to God for peace and strength.
When I finally threw the towel in around 7:00 and you woke up for your 7:00 feeding, I fed you and cuddled you with the TV off and the cell phone out of sight. I gazed into your eyes and sang to you and soaked up every little bit of the glory of the moment.
I fed you again at 10:00 and then got you ready for bed. We rocked and prayed until you were sleepy and then you fell asleep in your crib.
It was the hardest day ever, but I am determined to try harder, lean more on God, and make it work. I love you Boo Bear and I know we’re going to make it.
The first couple weeks were really tough, but this week I’m feeling so much better! God is so good and He hears the prayers of His people! I’ve been mindful of Ephesians 3:20-21 “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be the glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever, amen.”
Aunt Becky says
Rebecca…you are a blessing! I wish you could post this for all the world to read. I love you to the moon and back!
Oh dear sweetie you just made me cry reading your sweet letter to Grace… I am so proud of you and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that with God's help you will make it!!! I love you sooo much and I pray for you all the time (I can work and do that)!!!