At this point in my life I feel like I am being crushed by the expectations of nearly everyone I know. I understand myself well enough to know that some of these expectations are probably just my own, but I am pretty confident that most people I know have expectations of me even if they are only subconscious.
I’m struggling so much because it’s impossible to please everyone. As hard as I try, I will always disappoint someone. Sometime long ago I must have made a promise to myself after being let down because I have grown into an adult that cannot bear the thought of disappointing anyone.
This whole thing has caused me to struggle with being authentic because I’m trying to be all things to all people. But unlike the apostle Paul, it’s not so that I might win some, it’s so that people will approve of me.
I recently realized that I try so hard to please everyone and make sure they have a high opinion of me because I have no idea what I think of myself. If I was the only person on earth, I don’t know how what opinions I would hold or how I would determine my value. Just about everything I do (with the exception of some of my bad habits of undiscipline for the purpose of numbing myself to my pain) is in an effort to make people approve of me so that I can approve of myself. I have a few key people that I try hardest to gain approval from and lately I feel like I have totally dashed their expectations and let them down royally. There is a second tier of people I try to please and I feel like I’m juggling them as unsteadily as one of those guys balancing wobbly plates upon sticks. All the while I feel like I’m sinking deeper and deeper into the mire.
I fully understand that my value comes from being a child of God. However, that truth has obviously not made the 18 inch journey from my head to my heart. I feel like God is the last one in the lineup of people to please. By the time I get to him I have only crumbs left. I’m giving my Heavenly father my worst rather than my best. Unfortunately I have left Andy farther down the line than he should be. Recently I do feel some victory in that area. I have moved him up to the front of the line and the result has been a great deal of joy, peace and contentment. I never neglected him as far as the typical wife duties go (listening to him, sharing with him, spending time together, housekeeping, etc) but my heart has been striving so hard to make so many other people happy that I wasn’t giving him my energy and my heart as much as I wanted to or felt like I should have been.
I don’t really even know how to change the way I have been for so long. I have read some great books that have given some wonderful advice, but implementing it is so much harder than reading about it. I am trying to take baby steps by saying no to certain things that come up and by restraining myself from volunteering too much when it is just for the sake of gaining approval or being co-dependent.
I’ve definitely rocked some boats. It has all made me feel sea sick. I’m trying to figure out how to get to solid ground and learn to walk again. There is a fine line between serving others and doing things for healthy reasons and for unhealthy reasons. I continue to pray that I find that line.
You’ve already received great advice from people who know you best but I wanted to chime in with my .02. I am not a religious person so I won’t give you Godly advice but I will tell you what I’ve been through.
When I moved to Wales when I was 27 it was the first time I ever felt like I was living my life for me. Not that I was doing things to please people but I felt like all my decisions in my life were based on other people’s schedules and needs and wants.
I wouldn’t even go on dates with people because it would take away from time with my friends or family. I had convinced myself that I liked being single because it meant I didn’t have to answer to anybody, which is probably true as I didn’t need one more person sucking up the time that I had already promised out to everybody else. It didn’t matter to me that all my friends all had partners, I never took myself into consideration.
I didn’t want to move far away (read: 30 minutes from my family)because I wanted to spend time with my family being a good daughter, grandaughter, aunt, sister between working full time and going to school full time… all those things you’re trying to be.
I didn’t know how to live my life for me. I didn’t think I knew what I really wanted and I was exhausted from it.
I made one decision that changed the whole path for the rest of my life. I had always wanted to study abroad and so I chose to do so. I knew it would only be for one semester so I didn’t feel overly guilty for leaving my family and friends. I also knew that it would make them proud of me as I would be the first in my family to ever attempt such a thing.
But when I moved, left everything and everybody I discovered a lot about myself.
I didn’t have to consider anybody anymore when I made decisions with my time. I didn’t have to think about who I was going to race off to see in my free time over the weekend. I didn’t have to spread myself thin trying to spend quality time with everybody making sure everybody got their fair share of my time. My time was now really truely MY time.
It was freeing and liberating and scary at times. What did I want to do? I had no clue. I had nobody offering up ‘suggestions’ or ‘needing’ me. It was a strange feeling but I took to it like a fish to water!
I strongly believe that had I not made this drastic move in my life that I would still be single today, not happily married for 2 years. I had never dated because it took my time away from my friend and family but with nobody around to stop me I actually spent time getting to know Marco and enjoying myself! If I wouldn’t have done that I would still be spreading myself thin
trying to be everything for everybody and it’s just not possible.
Since then I’ve really learned that my life is about me and that doesn’t have to make me feel greedy or self centered. Yeah I hate living an ocean away from my family. I feel guilty and homesick a lot, but when I got married I made a decision to do what was best for my family, meaning me and my husband. Right now living in Europe is what is best for us, so no matter how hard it is for me, it’s what I’m doing.
I’m not saying you have to pack up you and your family and move away from everybody to get your clean start. You’ve already identified your problem and know you need to deal with it. What I am saying is that you don’t have to feel guilty for making these decisions. More than likely your family and friends want nothing more for you to be happy in your own life. It’s just your job to figure out what exactly makes you happy.
It’s possible that you stop doing ALL of your activities and start from scratch again. Notice I’m not asking you if it’s possible but I’m telling you, it is totally possible. For instance if you are a soccer mom on Tuesday’s, work in the church daycare on Wednesdays, voulenteer at the nursing home on the weekends and so on, you can pull yourself out of those activities. You just need to stop everything (and DON”T feel guilty about it or let people make you feel badly!) and then slowly rebuild your schedule making what YOU want priority?
For instance if you’re spending your time on Tuesday hauling kids around and not getting quality time with your family then just stop doing it. When you’re not at people’s beck and call (not that people are demanding but they know they can count on you) they WILL find other ways of survival, believe me, my family did! I promise you that You are not their only resource and they will find other ways of getting on! Then dedicate that day to family time, either game night, book night, library night with the family or whatever you find important.
If you find yourself truely missing some of the things you volunteered for then by all means slowly add them back into your life, not because somebody makes you feel bad for not doing everyting but because you really do miss the time spent with the kids in the daycare, or with the eldery people at the home, or with whoever! Really take the time to feel things though. Do you really miss every Friday evening being tied down to doing something or do you like a more flexible schedule for your fridays?
I think you’ll find that you’ve built up people’s expecations of you a lot higher than they acually are. You think they think about you (what you’re doig what you’ve accomplished) a lot more than they actually do! You’ll see that they’re able to deal with life without your imput, without your help, without your being there. It’s as much a lesson for them as it is you! You’ll see the world keeps spinning even if yours has all but stopped.
Please don’t let yourself continue like this for much longer! You’ll be so much happier whe you’re living your life for you! I know I am!
It really is a weird thing… trying to make others happy, yet not feeling totally happy yourself because some people inevitably will be unhappy being left out. Well, you’ve been given other encouraging words of wisdom here that I totally agree with (like what Sara & Andy said), so I won’t repeat everything. Just know there are others like you (me!) out there & we struggle as well. Remember you also need to take some time along the way to please YOURSELF! If you’re beginning to feel emptied out, fill up on things YOU enjoy! Being tapped out isn’t good for anyone or anything around you… and it could give you physical sickness as well as emotional. So take some care of YOU along the way… and let others care for you, too! You ARE loved, Rebecca!!! xoxo
I agree with Andy, you have a servant’s heart…
You have to read Oswald Chamber’s thoughts on 10/19 in “My Utmost For His Highest” he has some good insight on the very thing you are struggling with.
If I am causing any of this I am sorry…
I love you…
Mom :)
I am just wondering if I am on the last tier of important people. Because if I was… .. just kidding!
Baby steps is key. I always think of “What About Bob” when someone says baby steps, but shoot, it worked for Bob, why not for us!?
I’m sailing! I’ SAAILING!!
Marlena seems overly concerned with OPO’s as well. I just tell her to forget about them chumps. Somehow she never feels better from that. I dunno.
Remember, identifying the problem is the beginning of the solution. Rebecca, I know this is hard right now, but it will be worth it in the long run. You are starting to identify which things need to be priorities, which can be let go of a little, and which can maybe be dropped altogether.
The hard part is that you really do care deeply for other people. You care more about people than almost anyone I have ever met. This makes it hard to distinguish between honestly wanting to show someone love and struggling with codependence.
Jesus loved people intensely. He loved them so much that a single encounter with him could radically change someone’s life. Jesus loves you that much, sweetie, and He wants you to feel that. Don’t just know it, let yourself feel it. Let Him show you how much He loves you and what He has already done for you. He is the vine, you are the branch, everything you need is already flowing to you. He wants you to embrace it. Remember, He is not disappointed in you.
He also wants you to love people as deeply as He does. He made you to love people as much as you do. Let Him teach you to be okay with disappointing people – we cannot help but do that. Just make sure you keep loving people the way He created you to!
I love you Rebecca Grace, and I am so proud to be the husband of such a radiant woman! You reflect the beauty of God onto me, and I am deeply grateful for that.
You should read the Search for Significance…It’s all about what you are feeling/thinking.
wow! what a comment! i’m so glad i told you about my blog ;) you always know what to say…
“The Curse of Being a People Pleaser”
I know you and I have talked about this before. There never seems to be a way to get out of this cycle. Taking the time for self-examination is not always the easiest thing to do. I also struggled with my own identity because I felt like I was just playing a role: good daughter, good sister, good student, good worker, good friend… But when I stepped back, it turns out that I really was all those things.
And that’s the kind of person you are too. Part of you does gain some satisfaction of being able to meet people’s expectations or doing things you know will please people. But that doesn’t define you. It just makes you human.
You know that quote that you have in your office (and I have in my kitchen): “Life is a journey not a destination.” Too often we don’t take time to appreciate the “journey” because we all get caught up in the “destination,” i.e. pleasing people or working towards others’ expectations for us.
We both know how easy it is to get lost in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. And relationships are complicated and frustrating. But the good ones, the good ones can be SO rewarding. We need to stop thinking so much, and start appreciating the simple things. Like how someone makes you feel when you are with them, or how an unexpected person is thoughtful, or how there are people and things that make you light up with the very thought of them.
I think that by keeping life simple, you can open yourself up to finding peace with quality versus quantity. Sure, people have expectations, we all do. But you only have one life to live. And no one is going to blame you if you stop, take time for yourself and for the things and people that truly matter to you. Because if all these expectations, and people pleasing gestures make you unhappy, then the people who care about you are also going to be unhappy for causing you frustration.
It’s too bad that we can’t see ourselves as others see us. Because then you would know, without a doubt, what a strong, generous, and beautiful person you are.
Love,
Sara