Just Shy of the Right Thing

I haven’t posted in a while…again! I guess it’s hard to figure out what is worth writing about and what isn’t.

I always feel like I’m just shy of doing the right thing. I am a perfectionist by nature…not the kind that needs all my socks to be folded perfectly in my drawer, but the kind that is always striving to be the perfect wife, daughter, friend, employee, church member, sister, cousin, niece, cook, scrapbooker, event planner, you name it. I also like to follow the rules. My thinking is that God is the author of life. He created the game, so playing by His rules ensures the best outcome. I would love to say that obeying God’s commands flow from my great love for Him, but most often my obedience is due to the fact that it’s only logical to do things His way and that in doing so, I can ensure a desirable outcome. Basically it’s more of a cognitive drive than a visceral one.

Last night my mom and I were talking on the phone and because I never feel like I’m doing the right thing, I was overly sensitive to some of the comments she was making. I ended up hysterical for no real reason and we got off the phone. Oddly enough, my dad called me back to smooth things over. If you know me, you know how ironic that was because it’s usually he and I that have the issues which create hysterical phone conversations. He was wonderfully patient, gentle and logical with me and really did a fine job of “smoothing”.

I’m wondering how and when I’ll really find the path to turning my obedience and right living into outpourings of my heart rather than my mind.