I think I’m coming to grips with the idea that I cannot accomplish everything I want to accomplish each day.

Not even close.

Two kids is way different than one kid.

Way different.

I’m currently in awe of you families with 3, 4 and 5 kids.

Right now parenting feels like “Whack-A-Mole”.

As soon as I take care of the needs of one of my girls (whack!), the other one needs something (pop!).

As soon as the second one goes down for nap and they’re both sleeping simultaneously (whack!) the first one wakes up (pop!).

Long gone seem the days of me doing my own thing while they are both sleeping or contentedly awake.

Avery is getting more mobile (rolling over, grabbing everything, etc) so she’s not happy with chilling in her bouncy seat or laying on her activity mat much anymore.

Grace is rapidly approaching 3 years old and, boy oh boy, is 3 different than 2.  3 is full of emotions and opinions and talking and potty breaks and more talking.

Phew!

I’m kind of tired just thinking about it. LOL

So much has happened over the past couple of weeks and I just cannot seem to make the time to blog about any of it.  If they happen to overlap their naps even a little, I take the opportunity to do the dishes, put in a load of laundry or sometimes soak up 15 glorious minutes of sunshine.

At night it seems like they aren’t both down for good until 10pm (Avery wakes up for her last feeding around 8 when Grace goes to bed) and after that I really need to think about getting to bed or sneaking in a quick workout and shower.

Each day I wake up more determined to dig deep within myself and muster up more energy, motivation and speed to tackle my to do list.

Each day I find myself constantly in a hurry.  Rushing from one task to the next.  Hurrying Grace along as I’m manically checking things off my to do list.

And then I stop.

And I think, “Why am I in such a hurry?”

I’m a stay at home mom.

This is all I have to do.

No one is timing me.

There is no finish line.

If I don’t get it all done today there is always tomorrow.

The last workbook in my Bible study called this phenomenon “hurry sickness”.

Isn’t that a great name for it?

It’s not good to be in such a hurry.  This is the only life we get.  How tragic would it be to get to the end of it having checked off a myriad of tasks and lost all of the important things along the way.

If I really dig down to look for the root of my “hurry sickness” I think it’s about control.  If I can just accomplish all the things I want to, I’ll feel in control which will make me feel like everything is OK.  If I do enough every day, I’ll earn my keep and feel justified in staying home full time.  If I achieve more and more, I’ll feel better about myself.  I’ll feel good enough.  Important enough.

Lies.  All lies.

While I can’t deny that there is a wonderful feeling of satisfaction that comes at the end of a stretch of productivity, the high is fleeting.  It can’t really mend the ache in my soul.  Feeling totally in control of my day to day routine will not make me feel at peace about the chaos in my life that I can’t control.

In fact, I believe that striving to be in control of as many things as possible actually has the reverse affect.  We might think it makes us feel more at peace, but often it makes us feel even more frantic.

I’m tired of pushing so hard.  Tired of spending so much energy on things that may seem urgent, but that are really unimportant.

I’m tired of turning to productivity and achievement and eating and working out and nice weather and good conversations instead of turning to my Heavenly Father who loves me.

Who really really loves me.

The One who CAN mend the ache in my soul.

Father help me to breath deeply and rest in You.

Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you.  let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30

I’m battling a gross cold right now and found myself whining to Andy on the phone yesterday about how moms don’t get sick days.

That phrase always made me cringe before, but now I get it.  As much as I’d like to lay in bed all day long to sleep off this dang bug, I don’t get to.  I have to wipe bottoms, feed mouths and keep up with two little girls even when I’m sick.

I’m sorry to all of you that I used to judge for uttering that phrase.

It’s amazing how mothering humbles me every time I turn around.

Last night before bed I was putzing around on my phone.  Somehow I ended up “Twitter stalking” a few teenagers that I know.  One of them retweeted something that another one said and before I knew it I was stalking somebody’s girlfriend.  Lame, I know.

But honestly, it all made me sad.  So sad that these teens that I know one side of are totally different online.  The language they use, the attitudes they have, their perspective on life and work and school all makes me really sad.  It’s definitely not how I know them to be in real life, but perhaps I really don’t know them.

I was by no means a perfect teenager.  Far from it!  And maybe I would have been the same way if smartphones and the internet had been so pervasive in my adolescence.  But thinking back on that time in my life (high school specifically) I know that I really wasn’t like that.  I didn’t want to swear behind my parents’ back.  Or at all for that matter.  I worked hard and tried to be an all-star at my part-time retail job.  I had a pretty optimistic view on life and really wanted to be a good Christian girl.

Maybe they are all just growing up faster now.  Maybe the crap I dealt with in college has been fast forwarded into their early teenage years.

Even so, it makes me sad.  It makes me think about my girls and how they will be as teenagers.  It makes me want to cling even harder to God and keep pressing forward with helping to shape their hearts not just their behavior.

What a daunting task!

In more positive news…we bought a juicer!

An Omega 8003 Nutrition Center to be exact!

Besides juicing, this bad boy makes nut butters, baby food, frozen treats, pasta and bread sticks!

To say I’m in love would be an understatement.

Although I was a little intimidated by my new friend at first…

Fortunately my sister came over to lend moral support for my maiden voyage.  She’s a veteran juicer, so she knows the ropes.  She also provided the produce for my first batch of juice which was super sweet of her :)

We made a cucumber, spinach, parsley, apple, kiwi concoction and it was delicious and vibrantly green!

 Grace drank a big glass and loved the novelty of making our own juice.  I loved it too and felt really nourished after only my first glass.  Later that evening I found myself craving more!

Needless to say, we are hooked.  Grace and I have fun making each batch of juice and she can hardly wait to drink it up once it’s ready!

Andy has yet to get a taste of our awesome juice creations because Grace and I can’t help but drink them all up immediately.  Poor guy! :(

Don’t worry…I have plans to make a big batch tonight and he’ll be home to try it out!

Here’s the juice Grace and I made this morning…

You can find my juicing journey in pictures on Instagram

So that’s some of the randomness I’ve been up to lately….I’ll spare you from any more ramblings today!

Example is not the main thing in influencing others; it is the only thing.

Albert Schweitzer

(1875-1965)

THIS.

This message has been cropping up everywhere in my life lately.

Like everywhere.

Instagram.  My Bible study.  Conversations with friends…

I think God might be telling me something :)

Like most parents, I often worry about whether I’m doing things the right way.

Trying out the Bumbo seat.

Big sister had to get in on the action too :)

I know I know…there is not one right way.  As much as I wish there was! LOL

But seriously.  I love my girls so very much and I want to do my part in raising them to love God, be kind to others and have an impact on the world.

As such, I’m always open to wisdom about parenting.

Ranch dressing chapstick

When I see experienced mothers who have joyful, kind, and well-behaved children it takes everything in me not to corner them and pick their brains for hours on end.

But lately God has been showing me that no matter how well I parent my children, He is writing a story in their lives and it’s probably going to include some pretty sad chapters.

Life is not always easy and God tends to do His most profound work in the difficult circumstances, so I know that my children will have to walk some of those dark roads.

But I also know that God loves them more than I ever could (a concept that amazes me!) and that He is already doing a work in their little lives.  He will turn any poor choices that they make into a beautiful story of growth and redemption.

Honestly, figuring this out was a huge relief.

It’s not within my power to create pain-free lives for my children.

Phew!

It is within my power to live my own life in a way that honors God.

‘Do as I say, not as I do” is a recipe for failure.

They are going to do as I do.

What do I want them to do?

I want them to love God.  I want them to understand their humanity and frailty. I want them to love others and open their hearts to the people they encounter.  I want them to know that they are precious and loved children of the Most High God and find their value in that rather than their appearance, achievements or failures.

You know how I can do that?

I can love God.

I can understand my humanity and frailty.

I can love others and open my heart to the people I encounter.

I can know that I am a precious and loved child of the Most High God.

I can find my value in my identity in Christ rather than my appearance, achievements or failures.

That’s a tall order.

But I really believe it’s the best way for them to learn it.

God himself modeled everything for us.  He didn’t tell us to do it.  He DID it.

Live in community, not isolation?

CHECK!  He’s a triune God living in community with Himself rather than being one God.

Rest each week?

CHECK!  He rested on the 7th day and He’s GOD.  How much more do we need to rest?

These are just two small examples of God being the example for us.  Both of them recently struck me in a new way and totally impacted the way I understand the value of teaching by example.

On a very practical level I decided to test out this concept.

Grace had started becoming very demanding.  When she wanted something she would just bark out orders.

“MORE JUICE!”

“FIND MY GLASS SLIPPERS!”

“HOLD ME!”

It was driving me berserk and as much as I kept telling her to ask nicely and use her manners, we just weren’t making any progress.

Enter this concept of teaching by example…

I realized that I often barked orders at her.  I didn’t yell at her but I was very direct.

“Sit in your seat.”

“Come here.”

“Eat your food.”

I wasn’t usually asking nicely or using my manners.

OOPS!

So the experiment went like this…I stopped telling her to be polite and I just started being polite to her.

“Please sit in your seat for lunch.”

“Please come here.”

“Please eat your food.”

“Thank you for picking up your toys.”

“Thank you for throwing that in the trash.”

And do you know what happened?

By golly the girl became so stinking polite it blew my mind!  She was saying please and thank you for everything and I didn’t once tell her to!

Holy cow.

This example thing is very powerful.

It’s scary, but also such a great accountability to live with tiny little mirrors that reflect back to us our own behavior.

On my own, I can never be the woman I want to model for them, but with God’s help I can grow and change daily into the woman he designed me to be and that is such a beautiful hope!

I’ve mentioned before how much I love Annie’s Eats.

The woman is incredible and continually posts delicious recipes with gorgeous photos.

I’ve made a few of her cupcakes…

 You can get the recipes here and here.  Both were delicious!!

I am sure to tune into her site every day and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a recipe that looked like something I wouldn’t want to eat.  The woman has great taste in food :)

When I saw this salad I just knew I had to make it!  I adore Asian flavors and just love making recipes that call for uncommon veggies like Bok Choy.

This is Bok Choy in case you haven’t met before…

(Source)

Now that you’re acquainted, let me tell you that this salad was awesome!  It tasted like something you’d get from P.F. Changs, not your own simple kitchen.

It was sweet, savory, a little hot (I added extra garlic, naturally) and the perfect amount of citrus infused.

Make it.  You’ll love it.

Trust me on this…

And please don’t skip the cilantro.  I know there are a bunch of cilantro haters out there and I used to be one, but as soon as I had it in dishes it should be in, I was a convert.

It’s beautiful in authentic mexican dishes, asian dishes and thai dishes.  It really is.

Ok, here’s the recipe!  I modified it slightly from Annie’s version.

Last week during one of Avery’s nap times, Grace and I headed down to the basement so that I could sort through more boxes before taking a load of stuff to the Salvation Army.

The day before I had bagged up 6 trash bags full of stuff to get rid of.  I’ve mentioned before that I’m a hoarder and I’m making a concerted effort to cut it out and get rid of all of our junk.  It feels so good!

We recently cleared out a corner of the basement to make room for me to work out and it also happens to be a great open space for dancing.  My little princess Grace LOVES to dance, especially with her prince (Andy) so I couldn’t resist when she asked me to dance with her.

We put the Disney Children’s station on Pandora and got our groove on!  The station played everything from “Tale as Old as Time” from Beauty and the Beast to “Under the Sea” from The Little Mermaid.

We danced all around together, lifting our arms up high, doing ballerina moves with our legs, twirling in circles and swaying our hips.

She had the biggest smile on her face and didn’t worry for a second about how she looked.  She was caught up in the moment of dancing with her mama to some of her favorite songs.  To watch her joy and inhibition was so special.

And for a moment I too didn’t worry how I looked.  I didn’t think about how silly my high kicks were or how totally off rhythm I was.

I looked at my Grace and wondered how I could be so blessed to have such a beautiful, sweet little girl.  I felt an overwhelming thankfulness that it was 10am on a random weekday and I had the freedom to dance the morning away with my daughter.  There was nowhere else I had to be and nothing else I had to do.

It was one of the moments I’d always waited for.

My lifelong ambition was to be a stay at home mom and here I am.

I’m living it.

As I flung my arms around and twirled to the music with my precious little girl, my eyes were filled with tears and I had a lump in my throat.

I made it.

I’m living the life I dreamed of and I’m so very thankful for it.  I’m thankful for the journey it took to get here with all the highs and lows.  I’m grateful for the struggles and I know there will be more ahead of me.

But for now, I feel so incredibly blessed to have tearful dance parties with my precious little girl.

Thank you Lord for dreams come true :)

We had this for dinner tonight and I had to post it right way because it was so good!

This dish really exceeded my expectations and earned its way into my regular rotation because besides being delicious, it was also quick and easy.

You’ll notice that it’s paleo.

I’m not paleo.

I’m paleo-curious.

Which might just be a gateway to going paleo all the way, but right now I’m just trying to take one week at a time when it goes to deciding how I want to eat.

You may remember how I can tend to obsess about food..

Yeah, well that still happens and I’m making strides every day to put food into proper context.

Food is not evil.  It’s not good either.  It’s just food.

Eating a certain way doesn’t make me “right” or “wrong” or “better”.

Food is essential to life, but I don’t believe God ever intended it to be an obsession, vice or drug.

I think He wants it to be good fuel for our bodies.

I think He wants it to bring us into community with one another.

I think He wants us to enjoy it.

I don’t think He wants it to have power over us.

That’s what I’m working on.

Today I was listening to the book of Luke (via the YouVersion app on my phone) and I heard a few familiar verses in a whole new light…

“And don’t be concerned about what to eat and what to drink.  Don’t worry about such things.  These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers all over the world, but your Father already knows your needs.  Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need.”

Luke 12:29-31

I know this is more in reference to having food vs. not having food, but it struck me nonetheless.  “don’t be concerned about what to eat and what to drink”  “seek the kingdom of God above ALL else”.

Do I spend as much time seeking the kingdom of God as I do thinking about, worrying about, buying, preparing and eating food?

Nope.

I want that to change.

I want to have a teachable, open mind about food.  I want to make good choices when deciding how to feed my family, BUT I want to seek God first.  Period.

Phew!

I didn’t realize I had that much to say before getting this recipe out, but I guess now you know where I’m at with all of this.

I loved certain things about eating vegan for lent (cutting out dairy/eating more veggies) but I craved meat like whoa.  I’m also wary of eating too many grains.

This all seemed like a big arrow pointing to the paleo diet, so that’s what I’m exploring.

But now for the recipe!

It’s seriously so quick and the hardest part (if you can even call it that) is food processing the cauliflower.  I think that was only tedious because mine is so small and I had to do it in batches.

This recipe is adapted from Perry’s Plate blog.  Natalie is a wonderful cook and did an incredible blog series about Staying Whole in a Processed World.  Be sure to check it out along with all of her other delicious recipes :)

It’s been a week and a half since I last posted, and I just can’t seem to get a post together to save my life.

Partly because we’ve been busy with lots of play dates and visiting which has been very nice.  Partly because I have so much mulling around in my mind. #overthinker

And partly because I haven’t been taking pictures of any of the food I’ve made.

Womp.  Womp.  Womp.

So, here I am.

Trying to break the cycle and just type.  There are times that I open the laptop and start typing and a post comes together.

Usually it happens by now.

Maybe today’s not my day.  LOL

I guess when all else fails…dump pictures!

We spent Easter at my mom’s place.  Andy couldn’t come with us because he had to study for a massive exam on Monday.  We missed him, but I tried to snap a few pictures so he could see what we were up to…

Dying eggs for the first time…on Easter Eve! #lastminute

Easter egg hunt. Sans pants, of course.

Trying on the chick ring from one of the eggs she found. Sans pants, of course.

She was excited about her first Easter basket!

Checking out the contents…

Easter dinner was SO GOOD!

We celebrated my brother’s birthday too. The party hats were Grace’s idea :)

I almost died from this cuteness!!

Oh, and Good Friday marked the end of our Lenten fast and we went to Outback after our church service.  Two things occurred to me during that dinner:

1. I was “that lady” who brings her baby and toddler to a restaurant at 9pm.  I always gave those moms the side eye for taking their kids out so late.  It’s amazing how parenting moments like that one are such an eye opener.  It’s not fair of me to criticize anyone else.  I don’t know anything about their circumstances!

2. I really really like meat.  I think I’m going to stay off dairy for the most part, but I really do love my meat.

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter.  I plan to get back to regularly scheduled programming around here, so thanks for your patience while I accidentally took a week off :)

Today has been a great day and it’s not even half over yet…

The girls woke up happy and ate breakfast without any fussing.

They both played contentedly while I did my exercises (I’m doing Jillian Michaels’ 30 Day Shred…it’s going great!).

While Avery took her morning nap, Grace and I had fun playing in the living room while I drank my coffee which was delicious! I’m totally hooked on my So Delicious Coconut Creamer now and have no plans to go back to the artificial crap I was using before.

After we all ate lunch (Greek Veggie Wraps for me & Grace), we headed outside for a long walk in the sunshine. IT WAS SO WONDERFUL! Grace could hardly contain her excitement about being outside and getting a chance to run free! I took deep breaths of fresh spring air which were a welcome relief after months of breathing dry, recycled air in the house.

After our walk it was still too early for nap so all three of us headed into Grace’s room where I cleaned up and purged toys and books that she doesn’t play with anymore. Everything was sorted through and put back into its rightful place. We found old favorites that had been buried under piles of other stuff. We collected a whole garbage bag of toys to donate. It was awesome and made me feel even more accomplished than I already did from all the morning activities.

Both girls went down easy for nap and I took a long, hot shower and slowly got dressed and ready. I painted my nails and now I’m sitting here at the dining room table typing this post with the sun shining through the window onto my face.

The house is picked up and I’m not making dinner tonight because we’re going out for steak after the Good Friday service at church. Woo hoo!

I’m looking forward to breaking our fast tonight, but even more than that I’m looking forward to the church service. In keeping with tradition, my sister is joining us (along with her sweet boyfriend this year!) and I’m praying that God prepares my heart to receive the Seder “meal” (we do an abbreviated Seder).

Walking through the meal that so many thousands of believers before me have partaken of is truly special. So much symbolism is a part of each element and it tells the story of what God has done throughout history for His people and it reveals our beautiful future too.

This Lenten season I’ve learned that God is good. He is strong when we are weak and we need Him. The law is impossible to keep. Sometimes the fast seems impossible to keep. There were times we chose to break the fast over the past 40 days and honestly those times taught me about God’s mercy and grace more than I expected they would. Sure the pizza tasted good, but the knowledge that Jesus came to die for me and save me from my wretched sinfulness tasted so much sweeter. Realizing that I’m not all I crack myself up to be and that I’m weak was actually a sweet relief.

God is good. We need Him. He gave Himself for us.

We get to receive this beautiful gift and live life abundantly because of His Son.

Thank you, Lord.

Happy Good Friday everyone!

I’m still here.

I’m still vegan.

I’m still over-thinking.

I’m still trusting God to change me.

Since I don’t have a whole lot to say, I thought I’d include a couple short videos of my girls playing :)

Avery’s video is a 90 second clip I posted on Vine the other day when I noticed that she was actually grabbing at her toys!

Hello, my name is Rebecca and I’m an over-thinker.

Hi Rebecca.

I actually wish there was an OTA (Over-Thinkers Anonymous) support group because I would totally go.

I’d be there every week.  Me and my bajillion thoughts would pull a folding chair up to the circle and share my name along with my confession of the last time I over-thought.

Which would probably be less than a few hours before.

Because my mind is almost always on overdrive.

Thinking.

Analyzing.

Hypothesizing.

Planning.

Worrying.

Solving.

Ruminating.

Predicting.

Wallowing.

Foreseeing.

Bemoaning.

Prioritizing.

Plotting.

Organizing.

Arranging.

Fixating.

Praying.

Yeah, that last one needs to be bumped up to the top of the list ASAP, but I usually feel like I suck at praying.

Mostly because I’m too busy over-thinking.

I tend to start out pretty well.  Something or someone will come to mind and I start praying.  I get going and then, before I know it, I’m totally thinking about something else.  I’m not praying anymore, I’m doing one of the many other things listed above.

Maybe I should start praying out loud?  Maybe I should write my prayers down?

This crazy “prayer tangent” thing I do really only happens when I’m praying in my head.  Which is usually the only way I pray unless I’m in a group of people praying out loud.

Or I’m in the hallway looking into the bathroom where a certain someone (not Andy, Avery or me) has pooped in their underwear and I’m praying, “Dear Jesus, please help me.”

True story.

But really, it’s starting to get out of hand.  It’s wearing me out and I’m afraid it’s exhausting the people around me too.

The last few conversations I’ve had (real conversations, not just small talk) have been good, but I’ve come away worrying that I’m “too much”.

That I think too much.  Talk too much.  Am too much.

I feel tired when I walk away from the conversation and I fear that it’s because I’m drowning in my thoughts all the time and the minute I get around someone who is willing to have a deep conversation with me, I let everything pour out.

And I mean everything.

Dumb details that probably don’t matter but that I’m sure need to be shared so that they really get where I’m coming from…thought processes that seem to swirl around and around without resolution…my ridiculous obsession with figuring out the right way to do everything…

I’m expending SO.MUCH.ENERGY. on all this thinking.

It’s not right.

It’s not what God wants for me, but I can’t seem to let it go.

I know all the verses about casting our cares on Him and being still and knowing He is God.  But instead of meditating on those and trying to let it go, I just grab on tighter.

I’m white-knuckling my overactive thought life instead of handing it over and catching my breath.

And to top it all off, I’m such a nut job that I’m partly blaming it on a lack of meat!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yes.  I’m blaming part of my obsessive over-thinking on the fact that I’m not eating meat.

Ma’am, put down the laptop and back away from the internet!

My food obsession has gotten less intense than it was earlier this month, but it’s still something I’m battling.  One night I stumbled across the story of a woman who had been a vegetarian and vegan for many years.  She started eating meat again after reading Sally Fallon’s Nourishing Traditions and it changed her life.  Her anxiety, lethargy, panic and anger went away.

Now this is just one woman’s story and I know there are plenty of healthy, happy vegans out there but I’m starting to think I’m not cut out to be one of them!

Where’s the beef?!

Good Friday is only eight days away, and it marks the end of our Lenten fast.  We are attending a Seder meal at church and after that I want to hightail it over to Outback Steakhouse and eat a steak the size of my face.

Well, I’d really rather eat a perfectly cooked, organic, free-range, grass-fed steak, but I’ll take what I can get.

I know this over-thinking isn’t just a symptom of my current meatless diet.  I know it’s partly how I’m wired and it’s also partly how I deal with stress and emotional turmoil.

It’s really taking a toll on me, and the pain of staying the same is just about to become greater than the pain of changing so I know I’ll change.

I’ll feebly hand it over to God in prayer.  Even if it’s out loud and written down and repeated all day long.  I don’t want to struggle under the smothering weight of all these thoughts.

I want more of Him and less of me…