I've Always Wanted To Write A Book...

I started writing a memoir-type book a few years ago and about a decade ago I created an outline for a book about my experience in Kenya.

Both projects were started and neither have been finished.

Isn't it so easy to fall into that rut?

When I have more time I'll sit down to start/finish writing the book....

When I feel inspired, it'll be easier to capture my ideas...

No one will ever read it anyway, so why bother...

All of these bully ideas are waiting in the wings to derail us from our dreams of writing, but some of us knock them down and push forward anyway.

Kelle Hampton of Enjoying The Small Things decided to fight those bullies and write a book anyway.  Bloom is a wonderful memoir about her daughter Nella's birth and it's a New York Times best seller.  I read it and it's wonderful.  I'm so glad she wrote it.  I'm a better person for reading it.

Here's a gratuitous picture of Kelle and me together in San Diego.  I met her very briefly but loved her just as much in person as I love reading her poetry each week on her blog.

 

I met my friend Mary years ago at a church camping trip.  The first thing I remember talking to her about was her love for writing.  At the time she was working on several projects and had finished a short fiction novel about a brother and sister reacting to their father's death.

I remember being so impressed that she'd started...wait for it...and finished writing a book!  Mary has more self discipline in her pinky finger than I do in my entire being.  I am constantly inspired by all of her amazing vegetarian and vegan cooking as well as her mad writing skills.

Mary is launching a four-part book series THIS WEEK!  It's a mythology series which isn't typically my "go-to" genre, but let me say that I've really enjoyed it!  It's beautifully written and the characters really draw you in.  There's action, romance and suspense!

She's launching the first book in the series as an ebook on June 1st and she's offering it for FREE for 5 days!  Isn't that awesome of her?!

Check out the official book trailer!  I've never seen a book trailer before this one, but I've got to say it's definitely getting some buzz :)

Tomorrow Mary is guest posting for me about her writing endeavor.  Stay tuned for some inside scoop!

In The Navy - For Real!

This morning Andy swore into the United States Navy.

I stood nearby, on the verge of tears, taking pictures as he repeated the oath after his Lieutenant Commander's prompts.

This is real now and I'm more excited than nervous.  It's such an honor to serve our country and both Andy and I are looking forward to our new military life.

Memorial Day seemed especially meaningful yesterday.  Not only were we grateful for the service of every man and woman who has gone before us, but we were also very aware it was our last Memorial Day as a civilian family.

We are blessed beyond measure to live in the United States and we feel honored to be able to give back a little by serving our country in the Navy.

Good things all around at the Gould house these days :)

These Navy guys are strong and tough, but apparently photography isn't their strong suit ;)

My friend Diana is an Army wife and recently started writing for Military Family.  She has a great post up right now about Memorial Day and I'm excited to follow her posts over there!

Vacation Musings

Well, we're back from our vacation and are just about fully integrated into real life.  Boo.

It was a very restful week.  In fact, I can't even remember the last time I felt so much peace and so little stress.  It was almost weird.

Funny little things happened...I wasn't allergic to my wedding rings and I didn't have the crazy patches of dry skin on my lower lip.  My blood pressure was even low.

Looks like I have a high sensitivity to stress...

At first I thought it was just the climate difference or something, but we came home on Saturday and I was still fine all the way through Sunday.

By Monday afternoon my blood pressure was up a bit and I was back to my addictive chapstick habit.  Looks like retirement is coming at a good time :)

We had less than perfect weather on our trip, but the ocean front condo, quality family time and salty ocean breeze made up for the rain and clouds.

Falling asleep to the sounds of the ocean and waking up to the voice of my sweet little girl peering over the edge of her pack-n-play calling for me were wonderful bookends to each day.

Spending time with Mimi and Poppa and our Rhode Island family was also great.  Grace was in hog heaven following her seven year old cousin Adeline around all day long.  Even almost ten year old William enjoyed Grace's usual antics.

Because we stayed right on the ocean, I didn't have good cell reception which was the perfect excuse to tuck my phone away and enjoy real life.  It's a shame how much time can be wasted on technology while our real lives are passing us by.

Not looking at my phone all week had a profound effect on me.  It made me want to totally unplug.

As in deactivate my Facebook account, let my Twitter feed die off, and maybe just hold onto my blog but mostly as a daily diary of sorts for my children to look back on some day.

I can't really explain my huge shift in perspective.  I mean I'm a self proclaimed social media junkie!  I love being "in the know" and find it hard to stay away from the updates available everywhere even though they often irritate me.

I mean I have 345 friends on Facebook (which is low in comparison to most people) but of those 345 people I really only keep up with a handful on a regular basis.  The rest tend to be people I barely know anymore or others whose statuses either don't matter to me or totally annoy me.

Not the best way to spend my time, right?

The bummer is that with the way the world has changed, sometimes technology can be a great way to keep in touch with people or stay connected.  So I'd hate to throw the baby out with the bath water.  I guess for now I don't have to make any sweeping decisions.  I can just leave my phone on the counter and live my real life.

Enough of all of that rambling though, here are some pictures from our wonderful week:

Starting the trip off asleep!

View from our condo.  Heaven!

Porch overlooking the ocean

Beachy living room

Beachy dining room

Typical toddler photo

Cousins at the famous "Lee's Inlet Kitchen"

Me so crispy!

Happy to eat some hushpuppies!

So sweet :)

Mullet Hut...LOL!

Looking a little scattered!

Periwinkles - such pretty little shells that are alive and bury themselves deep into the sand when they wash up on shore.

Andy trying to coax Grace into playing in the sand.  She thinks it's YUCKY!

Notice the clean, sand-free hands

Love the South Carolina beach :)

When can we go?? The sand is YUCKY!

Judging by her face in this one, I think she must have sand somewhere on her body!

Reading with Poppa

Handsome hubby :)

I LOVE this Piggly Wiggly!

Family dinner

Again with not loving the beach

Skipping with Adeline :)

Waiting for dinner on family date night

Heading home but not without one last shot of our home for the week

Ending the trip asleep

Our rental car which Grace kept calling "Tee Tee's" because my sister's car is the same color!

Still here...

I didn't fall off the face of the earth.  I swear.

I've just had a very heavy heart lately and coming here to share recipes or random thoughts has seemed trite.

I love this blog space and I try to be honest and open with the thoughts and feelings that I experience, but sometimes I just don't feel like it's OK to put them out here.

Some of the things that have been burdening my heart are...

My dear friend Diana lost her twin boys at almost 20 weeks.  My heart broke when I heard her news.  It reminded me of other friends who have lost their babies and also those that struggle to get pregnant.  As much as I know that "God is in control" and that "He works all things out for good" it's hard to understand these overwhelmingly sad stories.

Change is hard.  I'm shifting away from my full time job which is what I'd always hoped to do someday, but I'm finding myself sick to my stomach about the transition.  I mentally have one leg on each side of the fence (Working Mom/Stay at Home Mom) and I feel like I'm floundering on both sides.  I'm striving to finish well at work and train my predecessor to be fully equipped, but I feel guilty for leaving.  For not being there to make sure everything is just right.  For not doing what I've done almost every day for four and a half years.  It just feels wrong even though I really think this is the right thing for me and for my family.

Family dysfunction is sneaky.  We all have it and we adjust to the dynamics of our family so much that they feel normal even if they are not.  We get into patterns with our parents and siblings and we all have roles that we play to keep the boat afloat.  As soon as one person disrupts the dynamics, everyone else starts to feel like they are sinking.  I play the hero role in my family and probably in the rest of my life too and it's really really starting to wear on me.

You may wonder what the hero role is all about...I stumbled upon this definition at www.joy2meu.com and it sums it up perfectly:

"Responsible Child" - "Family Hero"

This is the child who is "9 going on 40."  This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-sufficient.  They give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside.  They are the good students, the sports stars, the prom queens.  The parents look to this child to prove that they are good parents and good people.As an adult the Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely judgmental (although perhaps very subtle about it) - of others and secretly of themselves.  They achieve "success" on the outside and get lots of positive attention but are cut off from their inner emotional life, from their True Self.  They are compulsive and driven as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure.
The family hero, because of their "success" in conforming to dysfunctional cultural definitions of what constitutes doing life "right", is often the child in the family who as an adult has the hardest time even admitting that there is anything within themselves that needs to be healed.

The good news?

I have hope that my friends' broken hearts will heal and they will meet their babies someday.

I will leave my job and it will be fine.  Grace and Andy will love having my energy focused on them and our home.

I will learn how to break out of my dysfunctional role in my family and experience healthy community with my mom and siblings.

For now?

I'm off to South Carolina for some much needed R&R.  See you in a week...

Maximum Capacity

Last night I was drowning in anxiety.

As much as I hate vague Facebook statuses about this kind of thing, I was weak after a few glasses of wine and posted a truly emo status...

The kind comments from friends and family were surprisingly comforting although I was honestly not fishing for encouragement.

I don't really know what I was trying to achieve with such a "cry for help" status.

I totally blame the wine.

Chilled Chardonnay.

Yum.

Although the wine certainly helped mellow me out, I'm most grateful for my wonderful husband.  He listened to all of my irrational worries, embraced me while I cried and topped it all off with a killer foot rub.

I honestly don't deserve him, but boy am I thankful for him!

It's odd to me that I'm so anxious right now.  I'm on the cusp of a whole new life.  The one I've always wanted.  When I'm not overcome with anxiety, I'm filled with hope and anticipation!

So what gives?

Why all the panic?

I'm not exactly sure, but I know that you can only push so hard for so long before you run out of steam.  My "try harder, be tougher" mantra is not a healthy or sufficient long-term way of coping with the pain of life.

I'm realizing that I have a lot of issues I haven't worked through and they are making me feel out of control.  Family baggage, co-dependency, anger, perfectionism, and on and on.

There's a joke at work about how much of a control freak I am.  Usually I just chuckle and pat myself on the back for being so "on the ball" but lately I'm realizing that I am a control freak and it's getting worse.

The more I feel emotionally out of control, the more I strive to physically control things.  Sometimes I do a decent job, but lately I feel like the plates I'm spinning are starting to wobble and crash down around me.

My poor sister.

Tomorrow concludes her second full week of training for my job and I've put her through the ringer.

We've covered a lot of ground and she's been a fantastic understudy, but I've been controlling to the max. 

Do it this way. 

Exactly.

Because that's the best way and the only way it's ever been done.

Oy.

Girlfriend is really smart.  She's an excellent communicator (dare I say better than myself?), very proactive and a true self-starter.

If I got hit by a bus today, she'd do a damn good job already.

And we still have 6 more weeks!

Today I realized that we're making great progress and everything is going to be A-OK.

Besides all the work chaos and training craziness, I've been stressed about family dynamics, weight loss, healthy eating, housework, family planning, Grace's schedule, social obligations and our list of home projects.

It's too much to worry about all at once.

I do have limits and that's a good thing.

I believe God created us with limitations to draw us toward Himself.

There's a great passage in Jesus Calling by Sara Young (Buy it!  It's awesome!):

I knew what I was doing when I divided time into twenty-four-hour segments.  I understand human frailty, and I know that you can bear the weight of only one day at a time.  Do not worry about tomorrow or get stuck in the past.  There is abundant Life in My Presence today.

Human frailty.

Yes, no matter how strong I may think I am, I'm human.

And that's ok.

Vegetable Paella

This is the post where I betray all of my vegetarian friends and say that this recipe was mediocre but would have been really awesome with meat.

It looked so pretty when it was cooking!

Juicy chicken, tender shrimp and/or andouille sausage would have taken this from blah to BOOM.

Oh well, you win some and you lose some.

And maybe, just maybe, this could have been really great as a vegetarian meal if there was some kind of variation in texture.  It just ended up being kind of mushy throughout.

I thought of adding toasted nuts for some crunch, but I didn't think they would be compatible with the flavors of the dish.

If you're a tofu fan you could add it, but it would probably have to be be tempeh in order to offer the texture I was hoping for.  Even extra firm tofu would likely seem too soft to make an impact.

Figuring out a non-meat option that would do the trick seems like too much fuss for me, so my plan is to add some meat for round 2.  This recipe makes a BIG batch, so I've got a couple containers of it in the deep freeze.  I'll report back when I pull those out and add meat :)

For now, I'll share the recipe...maybe it'll be right up your ally!

Vegetable Paella
From Eats Well With Others

2 tbsp olive oil
2 onions, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 1/2 lb tomatoes, chopped (I just guessed at the weight...about 8 roma tomatoes)
6 medium artichoke hearts, sliced
2 red bell peppers, sliced
2 cups green beans, trimmed and cut into 2-inch pieces
1 cup peas
5 1/2 cups veggie broth
zest of 1 lemon, cut into strips
1/2 tsp smoked paprika
1/2 tsp turmeric
pinch saffron*
1/4 cup parsley, minced
salt to taste
1 lb arborio rice (yes, a full pound!)

1. In a large, wide flat-bottomed pan or paella pan (or pot), heat the oil on medium-high. Add in the onions and garlic and cook until the onions are soft, about 5 minutes. Add the tomatoes and cook for 2-3 minutes.

2. Add the artichokes, peppers, string beans, peas, and 2 cups of the veggie broth. Cover and simmer for 10 minutes.

3. Add the lemon zest, paprika, turmeric, saffron, parsley, salt, rice and the remainder of the veggie broth. Mix well. Bring to a boil, then cover and simmer for 20-25 minutes, stirring occasionally, or until the rice is done and the liquid has evaporated.


*Ok, let's talk about Saffron....it's that seemingly empty jar in this pic.

Saffron is a rare and expensive "spice."  It's fairly potent, so a little goes a long way.  And at $14 a jar ($10 on sale - thanks Meijer!) that's a very good thing.

Here's what is inside of the jar...golden threads of saffron!

I've passed up recipes in the past because I didn't have the saffron they called for, but when I saw it on sale at Meijer, I decided to splurge this time.

I wish I could tell you exactly what flavor it added to the dish, but this was also my first time using smoked paprika, so I can't exactly tell which did what!

I'll find another saffron recipe so I can report back :)

Oh, and I think you could make this without the saffron and still get a good overall flavor so don't let the "threads of gold" keep you from trying this dish if it sounds good to you.

Sunday Spill

 I should be folding this, but I'm blogging instead.  Because I can.

This has been a terrific weekend...

My sister and I worked really late Friday night, but after we parted ways, I had a wonderful snuggle-on-the-couch-watching-awesome-television-with-pizza-and-good-beer session with Andy.  Just what the doctor ordered after a really busy week.  Andy was a champ for letting me fall asleep after only 2 episodes of our show :)

Yesterday was the first Saturday since Christmas that Andy didn't have to work.  We celebrated by having a family date night.  We all dressed up a little and headed out for dinner at Kona Grill.  I was craving sushi and theirs rocks, plus there are plenty of other options for Andy (who wasn't in the mood for sushi) and Grace (who will try her first sushi a little later in life).  She got to indulge in a chocolate milk before dinner while I sipped on a strawberry basil cocktail and Andy enjoyed a spiked blackberry sweet tea.  My sushi totally hit the spot and Andy loved his chicken andouille pasta.  Grace had a small cheese pizza from the kids menu and was SO well behaved throughout the entire meal.  She's such a big girl now and it's so fun to take her out to new places.

After dinner we headed over to Somerset Mall to pick up a pre-ordered gift for the bridal shower I'm attending next weekend, but Crate and Barrel closes at 7 on Saturday MUCH TO MY CHAGRIN!  Once I got over the fact that I'd be driving way out there again this week to get the gift, we ended up having a great time window shopping and letting Grace explore.  She felt like hot stuff pushing her stroller around the stores and we liked checking out all of the over-priced goodies :)

Before leaving the mall, we stopped into Teavana for the first time and sampled a bunch of delicious tea.  We ended up buying a quarter pound of their Youthberry White Tea and Wild Orange Blossom Herbal Tea.  The first sample we tasted was a blend of these two teas and it was amazing.  Such intense fruity/floral flavors and it's so pretty you could set it out like potpourri!  Seriously, look at this stuff:

Youthberry White Tea - photo credit

Orange Blossom Herbal Tea - photo credit

That is the actual tea...it's gorgeous!  We steeped a pot this afternoon before dinner and it was every bit as good as our taste test last night.  Plus, it was a fun excuse to use this teapot that has a built in basket for loose tea :)

Instead of going to church this morning, we opted to sleep in a little and watch the service on-line while drinking our coffee and watching Grace play.  I've been loving Sunday morning services, but once in a while it's nice not to rush out the door and just stay home in jammies instead.

After the church service ended, I popped my Overnight Egg & Sausage Casserole (recipe coming soon!) into the oven and sliced up a bunch of fruit to take over to our friends' house for brunch.  We had a wonderful time eating way too much delicious food, catching up and sharing what has been on our hearts.  It was a soul re-charge that left us feeling tremendously blessed and filled up.

The cherry on top of this weekend was the hour I spent tonight cozied up with Grace in my bed reading book after book after book.  She was clutching her favorite pink blanket while sucking her fingers and twirling her hair.  I was trying not to melt into a puddle of mush while watching her tiny chest rise and fall and feeling the warmth of her head against my cheek.  There aren't enough books in the world to afford me all the time I wanted to spend with her snuggled up beside me.  It was pure bliss.

I'm grateful to God for all of the wonderful things He's blessed me with.  The road has been winding and long at times, but this bend in the path is breathtakingly beautiful and I'm savoring every single second of it.