I think I’m coming to grips with the idea that I cannot accomplish everything I want to accomplish each day.
Not even close.
Two kids is way different than one kid.
I’m currently in awe of you families with 3, 4 and 5 kids.
Right now parenting feels like “Whack-A-Mole”.
As soon as I take care of the needs of one of my girls (whack!), the other one needs something (pop!).
As soon as the second one goes down for nap and they’re both sleeping simultaneously (whack!) the first one wakes up (pop!).
Long gone seem the days of me doing my own thing while they are both sleeping or contentedly awake.
Avery is getting more mobile (rolling over, grabbing everything, etc) so she’s not happy with chilling in her bouncy seat or laying on her activity mat much anymore.
Grace is rapidly approaching 3 years old and, boy oh boy, is 3 different than 2. 3 is full of emotions and opinions and talking and potty breaks and more talking.
I’m kind of tired just thinking about it. LOL
So much has happened over the past couple of weeks and I just cannot seem to make the time to blog about any of it. If they happen to overlap their naps even a little, I take the opportunity to do the dishes, put in a load of laundry or sometimes soak up 15 glorious minutes of sunshine.
At night it seems like they aren’t both down for good until 10pm (Avery wakes up for her last feeding around 8 when Grace goes to bed) and after that I really need to think about getting to bed or sneaking in a quick workout and shower.
Each day I wake up more determined to dig deep within myself and muster up more energy, motivation and speed to tackle my to do list.
Each day I find myself constantly in a hurry. Rushing from one task to the next. Hurrying Grace along as I’m manically checking things off my to do list.
And then I stop.
And I think, “Why am I in such a hurry?”
I’m a stay at home mom.
This is all I have to do.
No one is timing me.
There is no finish line.
If I don’t get it all done today there is always tomorrow.
The last workbook in my Bible study called this phenomenon “hurry sickness”.
Isn’t that a great name for it?
It’s not good to be in such a hurry. This is the only life we get. How tragic would it be to get to the end of it having checked off a myriad of tasks and lost all of the important things along the way.
If I really dig down to look for the root of my “hurry sickness” I think it’s about control. If I can just accomplish all the things I want to, I’ll feel in control which will make me feel like everything is OK. If I do enough every day, I’ll earn my keep and feel justified in staying home full time. If I achieve more and more, I’ll feel better about myself. I’ll feel good enough. Important enough.
Lies. All lies.
While I can’t deny that there is a wonderful feeling of satisfaction that comes at the end of a stretch of productivity, the high is fleeting. It can’t really mend the ache in my soul. Feeling totally in control of my day to day routine will not make me feel at peace about the chaos in my life that I can’t control.
In fact, I believe that striving to be in control of as many things as possible actually has the reverse affect. We might think it makes us feel more at peace, but often it makes us feel even more frantic.
I’m tired of pushing so hard. Tired of spending so much energy on things that may seem urgent, but that are really unimportant.
I’m tired of turning to productivity and achievement and eating and working out and nice weather and good conversations instead of turning to my Heavenly Father who loves me.
Who really really loves me.
The One who CAN mend the ache in my soul.
Father help me to breath deeply and rest in You.
Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”